Life As A Hollywood Nobody

Twitters now, I guess

2009-05-26T02:52:00.000-07:00

I have been a very bad blogger. Mostly because I have been an inconsiderate, depressed, ridiculous person without hope for the past few years. But what they hey, I've started Twittet now. It's gonna change everything. Anyways hopefully I can manage to stop sobbing for long enough for that, right? here (I'm really not even sure this how to get there, but it's me like this EricaDoering) http://twitter.com/EricaDoering

Tonight wed. 8:pm-9:30 25 min. stand up set in Burbank!

2008-04-09T14:23:00.000-07:00

I’m doing a longer 25 minute set set at this place tonight. Good line up.

Proceeds help kitties! (details below)
Romancing the Bean (sounds dirty, but it’s Pg)
150 S San Fernando Blvd
Burbank, CA 91502
8pm-9:30

Cartoon Dump is Tues. March 25th in LA w/ guest Greg Proops!!

2008-03-20T01:26:00.001-07:00

CARTOON DUMP is Tuesday, March 25th!

8pm @ The Steve Allen Theater/ CFI West 4773 Hollywood blvd. 90027

This Month’s Special Guest: Greg Proops!!

Advanced tix!

“Highly Recommended” –Time Out NY
“It’s like a children’s show, but in Bosnia.” –Patton Oswalt
“It’s weird. It’s wrong. It’s awesome.” –SequentialTart
“To Do.” -LA Times
“To Do” –Defamer

Cartoon Dump's page

LA Review

Feature article Quick Stop Entertainment

Cartoon Dump is live every 4th Tues. of the month @ the Steve Allen Theater. Contact us for press or bookings.

Hope to see ya there!

My first interview

2008-03-20T01:21:00.001-07:00

Hi kids! I just did my first interview over at Sequential Tart. Yay!
Sequential tart is a magazine about cartoons/comics and women. They recently did an article on cartoon Dump and they're really great, so when they asked I couldn't pass it up.

Please check it out. I'm told it's a pretty good read. It's right here!

Erica Doering cures AIDS with her delightful jokes

2008-02-09T18:31:00.001-08:00

From Crackle: Erica Doering cures AIDS with her delightful jokes

Cartoon Dump is in New York City Jan. 8th @ Comix 8pm! MST3k alum, live comedy, & horrible cartoons

2008-01-06T00:02:00.000-08:00

TV's Frank Conniff (MST3K) stars as Moodsy the Clinically Depressed Owl! Erica Doering as host Compost Brite! Kathleen Roll as Buff Badger the rageaholic animation historian! Vintage crappy cartoons by Jerry Beck!

CARTOON DUMP Where: COMIX , 353 West 14th Street NY
When: Tues. Jan. 8th @ 8pm
Advanced tickets are just 5 bucks with our discount code!!
(they go up the day of the show, so get 'em now!) Discount Code: DUMP9

CARTOON DUMP is...
"It's like a children's show, but in Bosnia!" -Patton Oswalt
"It's weird. It's wrong. It's awesome." -Sequential Tart

Read full review here!

Cartoon Dump! Little Boy Blue Antidepressants for Children (ep 1

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ADVANCED TIX

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Cartoon Dump 9/25 Andy Kindler, Joel Hodgson, Frank Conniff, Erica Doering & vintage cartoons!

2007-09-15T02:30:00.000-07:00

Hi people. Feels like forever since I've blogged in here. I feel bad that I've been seduced by myspace's easy log in and addictive allure. Sorry about that. Ever since my old blog disappeared without a trace I've been a little hesitant to blog. It was just so frustrating to have those three years disappear like that. Still makes me upset to think about. Anyways, whatever.

I've had some good things happen so far this year, though. They are:

1) In May I found a quarter!

2) I'm in some contest that I won a round in a few months ago. They just told me on the 13th that I'm in the finals, but apparently voting started on Sept. 4th, so from what I can tell it's not just a comedy contest, but a model of how the republicans hope to run the primaries as well! BUT if I win i get one thousand dollars!

Anyways you can be a part of this grand fiasco by voting for me, Erica Doering!

And THE BEST THING TO HAPPEN TO ME ALL YEAR IS....

3) I'm in a new show called "Cartoon Dump!" It's a hilarious show that my friend Frank Conniff (MST3K) created. Right now we do it every 4th Tuesday of the month at The Steve Allen Theater. We're also loading clips of up online and we're secretly hoping (or maybe not so secretly) hoping it gets picked up eventually.

Cartoon Dump is a live parody of the children's shows of yesteryear.
In between the dark satire we screen CRAPPY vintage cartoons that are hilariously bad. WThen there's a stand up comic. Last month's stand up comic was Dana Gould!

And neat suprises like this happen:Last month Joel Hodgson (Mystery Science Theater Three 3k creator), buuilt and puppeteer'd his own creation! "Dumpster Diver Dan!" will be back again this month too. Yay! So far the shows have been sold out and this month should be no different, so come by if you can.

CARTOON DUMP is a kid's show for adults who are emotionally and developmentally damaged kids at heart.

CARTOON DUMP takes place in a garbage dump, a filthy, disease-ridden stink hole where whimsy, imagination and a child-like sense of fun are as common as the used heroin needles and discarded crack pipes that litter the ground like magical four-leaf clovers. CARTOON DUMP boasts a beguiling cast of characters who will bring laughter and joy into the hearts of borderline schizophrenics the world over.

Through story and song, COMPOST BRITE (that's me!) teaches her young viewers important lessons about love, friendship, and self-mutilation along with MOODSY THE CLINICALLY DEPRESSED OWL(Frank Conniff), MORTY THE NEW AGE AGENT(Eddie Pepitone), BUFF BADGER THE RAGEHOLIC ANIMATION HISTORIAN(Kathleen Roll), HANGOVER HOUND(Joe Keyes) and other special guests.

Cartoon Dump in space
See some of Cartoon Dump on YOUTUBE!

CARTOON DUMP every 4th tues. of the month
Tues. SEPT. 25th @ 8pm
The Steve Allen Theater
4773 Hollywood Blvd.
Los Angeles, California 90027
Free Parking!
Order advanced tickets
Tell yer friends!

This Sat. March 31st @ midnight : The Tomorrow Show

2007-03-30T02:57:00.000-07:00

This Saturday @ Midnight @ The Steve Allen Theater
come to

The Tomorrow Show
Which is a show that I really like and is really fun
so come and see neat stuff and smile at people
and laugh real loud when I tell jokes
and have fun!

This Sat. March 31st @ midnight
The Steve Allen Theater
4773 Hollywood blvd.
Free parking!
5 tiny (or regular sized) dollars!

For those of you unfamiliar with The Tomorrow Show...
It is a bizarre sort of variety/comedy show w/ stand up, weird stuff and super cool bands that are very good. You will like it. It's hosted by Ron Lynch, Craig Anton, and Brendan Small and you'll like them a whole bunch.
AND you will spit origami milkshakes out your nose! There's a little something for everyone. Come check it out!

ps I miss you!

This Wed. Come see me in Imperial, Ca!

2006-12-11T15:20:00.000-08:00

I'll be doing 30 minutes in Imperial this Wed. along with the very funny Tom Clark , Joe Restivo, and James Scott at My Buddy's Place lounge. Please come check out this great show if you're nearby. It's at a fun club and proceeds go to a good cause. Pass it on. Hope to see ya there!

Consider yourselves warned. You've got thirty days. (A must read for the living)

2006-11-19T08:19:00.000-08:00

According to a man I met last night at a subway station, who claimed to be a microbiologist, (spolier alert) the birdflue will be here in thirty days. Just in time for Christmas! He also very convincingly talked about a microwave he helped invent for people. A human microwave, where you get in and get microwaved, and it cures any and all viruses (cancer, AIDS, everything) in your body by raising the tempurature of all your cells and organs to a steamy 140 degrees. He insisted that this fun device will be available to us all very soon. He also had a very smart sounding accent, so naturally I wanted to believe him.

I'm not much for the idea of microwaving people. Especially if the oven's being shared. Microwaves are hard enough to clean as it is, and cooking yourself seems a little unseemly, but seeing other people's scorched cells on the walls of any room that you must close the door too, just sounds icky.

Now like I said he had a smart sounding accent, not to mention he was wearing a jacket. Two things that a lot of doctors have and or do. Seemed pretty smart to me. On the other hand, maybe he was a part of one of those funny hidden camera shows, you know like, "Girls Behaving Badly". Those are really catching on. So I wasn't sure what to think. I tried to look more like I was waiting for the train instead. Because afterall, if this was gonna be on TV, I could use the extra face time. I had to think it through.

It wasn't until he admitted that he wasn't sure how to get back to Hollywood, even after a careful explaination of the easy directions, that I knew for absolute CERTAIN that he must be telling the truth. Most doctor biologist types don't know their ass from their elbow. I have seen this in action many times first hand, so it HAS to be true, no question!

And all I can say to you blog readers, is brace yourselves, because a dude who can't get from Wilshire and Western to Hollywood and Western is about to be in charge of cooking your bird-flu ridden ass in a month.

So basically, goodbye. I'm going to Antarctica. I'll try to blog from there. I'll see who ever made it thru that whole ordeal in the spring and maybe make a meat pie outta the rest of you provided you're not someone else's chicken salad by then. Sorry a girl's gotta eat. I need my protein.

Relentless hatred of KFC found to be more emotionally lucrative than hating oneself!

2006-11-19T08:15:00.000-08:00

Hey folks, I totally dropped the ball on the whole self hatred thing today when I remembered how awesome I am. I mean even when I'm not awesome, I'm still pretty "Hell yeah!", if you know what I mean. That is the good news. The bad news is that I have to find something else to hate instead. I mean hatred doesn't just disappear, it changes, you know like water...

But whom or what to hate, that is the question...?

I knew whatever it was, it MUST meet the following criteria:

a) Someone or something that would not beat me up.

b) It has to be easy for me to hate relentlessly when needed, but just as easy for me to blow off when neccessary. You know, in case I need to get stuff done. (Also nothing complicated and frustrating like "the goverment" or "pharmecutical companies", which I already hate in most ways, but I could become too emotionally invested in)

and

c) They or it must be easy to reach. (No overseas or long distance calls can be involved. I'm working on a budget of limited cellular minutes at best)

That is why I have decided to love myself and start hating....

Kentucky Fried Chicken!

Why KFC you ask? Mostly because I barely like it anyways, and it's within walking distance. And clearly they meet the criteria. NO ONE at KFC is going to beat me up. They're at work. They could get sued for that. And Colonel Sanders is as dead as a doornail. He couldn't beat up a spec of dust! Not to mention they deserve the hatred far more than I. I mean I'm pretty nice. I don't have any fictional high-ranking commissioned military officers, alive OR dead, as the figurehead of my comedy, trying to push people around, do I? No! I mean who do those guys think they are anyways?!

Now I'm fairly new to hating restaurant chains, but I think I've already made progress! Today alone I managed to develop a moderate dislike for the tacky red and white color scheme. Top that off with the fact that for a brief while in 2004, "Kentucky Fried Chicken" tried passing themselves off as "Kitchen Fresh Chicken" which no one ever seems to remember, and which has NEVER sat well with me, and add to it that whole weird story that was passed around a few years ago about them frying fingers or chicken heads or something, and I think I'm gonna have noooo problem developing a relentless hatred for KFC. This pleases me.

I do not have a can of soup in my butt.

2006-11-11T01:50:00.000-08:00

I went to Ralph's (the grocery store) today (the one on Hollywood and Western) and something sort of weird happened. Nothing too weird, no people dressed in apple tree costumes stole my fruit and scolded me for killing their children or anything like that, but it was still a little odd. Mostly because it wasn't like a "policy" or anything, or at least it isn't yet. Then again, perhaps the policy was tried out on me. You know like for the first dry run or something, and if that's the case, well then you have ME to thank the next time you wanna go to Ralph's and not check your shit in at the door like some sort of porridge stealer.

So what happened was I went to Ralph's, like I said , and I walked in wearing my back pack because I was walking and I like to carry notes with me and stuff. It doesn't really matter why I was wearing the back pack, except to say that it wasn't to tote a bomb in with me, nor was it soon to be a book bag filled with stolen honey bears or something. So I walk in (behind another back pack carrier I might add), past this security guy and the guy tries to stop me. He's like, "Ma'am', you have to leave that at the desk." and I was like, "Who the hell calls me ma'am, jackass?" except I didn't say that part. Instead I said, "Whaa?" or something and he says, "You gotta leave that at the ..." and I just keep walking because I heard him the first time and I'm not doing it. That's right. The idea is so out of touch with itself that I just kept walking. I was proud of myself for doing this; I know how these security dudes can be...

Believe it or not I have often been under suspicion by security guards before. Yeah, I know, to many people I look like a sweet, innocent lover of dogs, but to some people apparently I look like a "deviant" or " a runaway", or perhaps a poverty stricken unwed mother, or a crack head, or I'm not sure what, but trust me it's not the first time I have been under suspect.

People of Asian and Mexican decent are especially susspicious of me, particularly if they work inside small crappy stores that carry posters and lame souvenirs. Those people almost always seem sure that I am some sort of juvenile delinquent that's up to no good. They're the ones that follow me around at stores, up and down each aisle, anyway.

For a long time it used to make me so nervous I would just leave the store and go home feeling guilty. Like I had done something. Stolen something, even though I hadn't. Then I would get this feeling like I shouldn't go out in public because I must look like a trouble maker and I must be carrying some sort of scarlet letter invisible to only me. Something that said, "No one loves her" or "Foster kid" or "Hey, she had lice in fourth grade." or something. And that if I wasn't careful, my having this scarlet letter would somehow cause some sort of horrible incident that would be bad for me and for all of mankind in the long run, so maybe I should just skip the store and stay home. Now I just ignore it or fuck around with them instead. Which is what I recommend you do if that sort of thing happens to you inside a place like that. Unless you're a black person and you're in Korea town, then you might wanna skip it.

Anyways back to what was I was saying about today...I could tell this wasn't some sort of policy. Afterall, I go to this place almost everyday, so I just kept walking. And when he asked me the second time I said, "No." This confused him a little and he was like, "What? Why..?" I was still walking and I just turned to him and said, "I'm not doing that. I don't do it and I won't do it. I'm just not doing it. "And then I just kept moving.

Ha. Now before you gasp or say, "What's the big deal?", or something let me tell you it IS a big deal. I know about a million people who would have done exactly what the guy said, no question. And then what? Now maybe this guy was just trying to get employee of the month or something. Maybe he's new on the job and trying to impress people with how great he is at being a "security guard", I don't know. But the point is if I had done it he would definitely do it again to someone, and they would say yes and pretty soon he'd be doing it without reason to everyone. So, no… Just no. No, no, no. I'm not doing it. I refuse to be treated, or to allow others to be treated, like they are thieves or terrorists in their own neighborhood grocery store. It's retarded.

It's Big Brother-y and it's gross. And if you think it's my imagination, I'm sad to say that you are wrong. If you want a perfect example of security gone amuck in a grocery store you have to go no further than the local Albertson's on Hill Hurst. I went in there for the last time ever about two months ago. Why? Because apparently the people at Albertson's think it is a good idea to have full screen home theater sized security screens inside their store. Not one, not two, not one at each door… an army of FULL SCREEN TV style cameras and screens, not one of those 7-11 jobbers. More like something you'd wanna take home and watch the game on, in every single aisle. Recording your mind numbing pros and cons debate over which is better "extra super" or "super everything" toothpaste.

I almost threw up when I saw them. And yes, they're on. Bright as day. You can re-enact scenes from your failed grocery store sitcom while you're in there. I'm certain a wanna be editor/director is working the boards. But anyway I almost threw up. And not just because I don't like to see myself in the grocery store among the common man, not just because I looked like total crap, as I often do when going to the grocery store (that let's-doll-ourselves-up-n-go-grocery- shopping! Hollywood eccentricity never really caught on with me.), not because it was in high def and my pores looked back, not even because I am a SAG actor, but because it is disgusting.

People go into their neighborhood grocery store, often spending large portions of their paychecks to eat week in and week out, and they are met with that kind of suspicion? And they even have little signs on the shelves in the aisles that say "Shopliftig is a crime. "Or hey don't steal. You're on camera" or something like that. It made me want to barf. It got me so mad that they would do that to their customers. Albertson's is a major grocery store and trust me; they are not being over run by theft and never have been over run by theft on fucking Hill Hurst. But people still go there. People just do what they're told and don't complain about anything and go along do-da-do-da-do and then what? They check your bags. Then come the cameras. Then what? You take off your shoes at the counter? Background checks? Cavity checks? What? Come on...People have managed to run stores without 15 security cameras in them way before fucking Albertson was even a gleam in his mommy's eye. I am just freaking tired of getting shit taken away from me. I won't do it. I will not go quietly into that dark back-pack-taking-off light!

But anyways back to the Ralph's incident... You know what happened when I said no? Guess. Guess what happened when I said, "No. I don't do that." Nothing. That's right, nothing. Nothing happened. Sure Mr. Security Guard may have been thrown for a second, but was it worth it for him to chase me around or something? No. So that's what I suggest you do. If they ask you.

In fact next time you go there wear a back pack. And if the guy asks you just say, "No. I'm sorry. I don't do that" and if you want you can add "Erica says hi!" and please also say, "I live in America." Because guess what, YOU DO. That's right. It's still America. I know it didn't seem like it there for a while, and we've still got a ways to go to get back to where we once were, but you have rights. Not like this is some "thing" about rights, but let's not just plod along letting first the government, and then big businesses push the envelope on your privacy without doing anything about it. Now I know we don't own Ralph's or anything, but when someone wants to try something and you let them, they WILL do it. Let them know you don't want less privacy. You want MORE PRIVACY.

This is not a military state. I would like to remind everyone to stop acting like it is. And stop letting it happen. Sure you can't stop some of it, but you know what, I don't want my ass searched when I go buy zucchini. Please do your best to see that yours does not get searched either (unless you're into that and it's like with a hot bag boy in the alley or something). Okay I'm done.

"So how was New York City?

2006-11-09T02:35:00.000-08:00

Okay so it's about time I post about the NY trip. I waited awhile because I've been so busy and this is a little thrown together, but here's how it was...

I loved New York city! I stayed with my friend in the East Village. This area has all the things I like about NY. I've been there before, but never overnight and mostly in Mid town. I've always liked the smaller parts of my experiences there; the awesome food, the walking, the closeness of everything, the coffee shops, the dogs (they're everywhere!), the parks, the flowers outside of every corner market, and the straight-upness of the people. But midtown is so "big" and a little empty in a way, so I really liked the added neighborhood intimacy of the east village much more than I had Manhattan. I always feel sort of welcomed there. I'm too honest myself a lot of the time and I tend to speak from the heart before paying attention to strategy, and maybe those are a few of the main reasons I've always felt so connected to this great city. It just doesn't seem to lie much and it's got heart and I can't stress how much I respect that. I'm hot for that kind of thing. It turns me on almost. Okay I'll admit it, if NYC were a man, I'd probably have sex with it.

Anyways I like the urgency of the place. It's in everything: the traffic, the pedestrains, the worn cement itself. I love the color of things there. The stone buildings and the way the sky is a little grey. I like that sometimes people just let loose and yell at each other in the streets. I like that I saw a firetruck blasting their horn at some idiot who wouldn't move and then telling the guy to get the fuck outta the way, asshole. I like that people tell each other to fuck off loudly when they're mad. It just seems healthy. Especially in NYC. I walk around LA screaming my head off to myself when I'm alone as it is, but there is less privacy there. It seems like you gotta either find a way to let that shit out or maybe it just isn't the city for you. I like the one way streets and the the grid. I LOVE the fucking grid!

I made sure to eat plenty of pizza, sushi, 1 Philly Cheesteak, some place where they only serve mac n Cheese, Indian, and Italian food.

Anyways I loved it. I had spots at Riffifi, Mo Pitkins, and The UCB and I was lucky enough to get stagetime at The Comedy Village, The Village Lantern, The Bowery Poetry Club, Comedy Rant, The Laugh Lounge, Sal's Comedy Hole (best name ever) and probably one or two open mics that I'm forgetting. I had a good time at all of them. Even when i wasn't having a good time, I was having a good time because I'd been wanting to perform in NY for so long now.

I forgot to tape a bunch of sets and I missed out on taping what was one of the most fun sets I've had all year (at UCB) and vowed to tape everyone one of em afterwards. Which I of course didn't stick to...

I get embarassed by the idea of taping myself sometimes when it's not a big show, because I always hear this little voice in my head saying, "Hey dork, this shitty show matters to you? You think you or anyone else is gonna wanna see this crap?You must think you're pretty important! Maybe you should wait to tape things for shows that matter, where you'll have some heavenly set prepared, where the skies will part and unicorns will pull up a seat and take note of it all, asshole."

Anyways I'm going to take another vow to tape every stupid thing again. I figure that way I'll be able to not be embarrassed about it. I can say, "Hey I tape everything, so it's not like I think this is something special, jerk-voice-in-my-head-that-hates-me. Screw you. " It seems like the way to get past the "I hate myself" voice is to beat it at its own game. (I can't say that for certain yet though, it's just a theory I'm working on.)

Anyways after NYC I went upstate to visit my grandmother. That part of the trip took an unusual personal turn and I'll discuss it at another time, maybe. As for comedy I got up at a few places in Troy and one little place that had a real audience and I liked it. I met a few of the local comics and the guy who ran the room was super nice, but overall there wasn't a lot of stagetime available there. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I'm auditioning for Aspen! (updated)

2006-11-05T15:51:00.000-08:00

Hi people. Guess what? I just got asked to audition for The Aspen Comedy Festival! Awesome! I'm happy to have been invited and I'll be busy preparing for the showcase this coming Tuesday.

As some of you know I've been thru hell this year, so it's especially good to be asked. And I couldn't have made it through any of this crap without your support. So big hugs, kisses, and punches in the face to all of you.

I'll be posting how it goes and how fun my trip to NYC was soon.

UPDATE: 11/17

Okay for those of you who don't already know, I got in a car accident about 24 hours before my audition, yikes! My car was totalled, but luckily no one was hurt .

Since I was covered with bruises on my face, my first thought of course was to plant a non existant "boyfriend" in the audience to shout, "You better do good or yer gonna get it!"But I decided against that and covered it up with make up instead, like any self respecting battered girlfriend should. Anyways the audition went well. I didn't piss myself or anything! I only had less than a week to prepare, but I was pretty pleased with how it went. Now it's outta my hands, but I'd just figure I'd fill you in on the details and thank any annoymous people who came out to see the show. Okay, that's it for now.

2 Shows 2 Nite 2 Go 2

2006-09-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Livers of life and kidneys of comedy,
I'm doing two show tonight and you should go to one or two of them. First one's at ...
The Comedy Store's
Belly Room
8PM SHARP
$5 COVER
2 DRINK MINIMUM /21 AND OLDER

8433 SUNSET BLVD, WEST HOLLYWOOD (ACROSS FROM THE HOUSE OF BLUES)

(THE BELLY ROOM IS AROUND BACK AND UPSTAIRS) Performers subject to change for reasons of insanity, car theft, bulimia, psychotic episodes, military draft, etc. (parking meters on Sunset free on Sundays)

and then...
The Acid Reflux
9:15pm FREE
in the Ramada Inn Basement Sunday

Ryan Stout (Man in black)
Michelle Biloon (Lived in my best friend's building!)
Ed Salazar (Part bionic! Also camps!)
Scott Aukerman (The wind beneath stuff!)
Erica Doering (ME!)
Matt Braunger (Gets smacked on TV!)

And maybe A man that gets bitten by Dogs who has traveled Miles to be there. (Keep your comedy nerd fingers crossed. I know I will. Also Ed will because he said he would.)
(WARNING: If you do not attend I may go blind. ha. Wait that's not funny! )

God's first blog. By God! (MORE new details uncovered 9/7/06)

2006-09-12T04:59:00.001-07:00

This is an ancient blog written by God. I found it underneath a bunch of stuff in my living room.

Note: Since God's First Blog was oringinally posted here on 7/17/06, a few details have been uncovered by the curators in charge of the restoration! Those small, BUT EXCITING details, were made to Days 3, 4 and 7 and are reflected in the reproduction below.

This reproduction of "God's First Blog" is worth a pretty penny, but if you still have a copy the first reproduction of "God's First Blog" it is worth a pretty penny less. And they are out of print. All copies of that edition of the reproduction have since been destroyed or given to inner city children. We regret any inconvenience this may cause those of you that will no longer be able to afford this addition of the original reproduction. However the restoration society would appreciate any kudos or comments you may have left for the previous addition, just for posterity's sake.

FYI The retail value of "God's First Blog," since it's excavation from under some stuff in my living room, has an estimated retail value of $567, google dollars! (That's not 567 search engine dollars, a google is a 1 followed by a hundred zeroes, for those of you who went to public school. That's alotta lotto tickets!!) But more on that later. It's not about the money.

God's First Blog.

by God

Day 1

Bored as all get out, so I decided to make something. It's important to keep busy. Anyways, created Earth (got the name from the band "Earth Wind and Fire." I know they don't exist yet, but I can't help it, I love those guys!) and a place called Heaven (named after my favorite future StarTrek Voyager Episode).

Gonna use Heaven for entertaining or maybe a master bedroom. Not sure what to do with Earth. Maybe a guest house?

Also called the power company.(Was on hold forever of course) Couldn't
believe the electric wasn't on yet. I scheduled a hook up weeks ago! Had to speak to the supervisor to get the freakin lights turned on. It was pretty much bullshit. Took a nap afterwards.

Day 2

Started a garden for the guest house.
Lots of green in the color scheme. Doesn't look half bad.

Day 3

Put some lights up. Made a nightlight outta cheese, it's pretty trippy. The bulb in the daylight's a little bright, but nobody's perfect, so I just said let it be. Who cares as long as it's not that fluorescent crap we have at the office.

Day 4

Got started on the aquarium. All those filters. Salt water, fresh water...It was sort of a pain in the ass. And it cost a fortune!

Day 5

Just for fun made a cow today. Spent a few hours cowtipping. Hilarious. Created two people to take care of the grounds after that. Almost screwed it up because I didn't have enough ingrediants. Had to take apart the first guy to help build the second one. Didn't have enough to make him a penis though. Maybe he won't notice.

Oh and then those jerks ate the cow. Whatever. I just made another one. Anyways the place is almost done I guess. Time to hit the sack.

Day 6

Not sure those two people can handle the whole place by themselves, they're a little on the dumb side. Anyways pretty sure they're catholic, so I should have an entire staff in no time if you know what I mean. Partied pretty hard afterwards.

Day 7

Finished Earth today and I am exhausted. Also still hung over from last night. I needed a day off. Called in sick. Slept most of the day. Pretty sure Earth was a bad idea. Whatever. I guess I can fix it in post.

This Wed and Thursday shows. Good ones!

2006-09-12T04:59:00.000-07:00

WEd: Go to Mr. T's Wed and Comedians for the Cure This THURSDAY
Body: ArtFartLive - Wednesday - September 13th- 9pm Standup
Erica Doering, Ron Babcock, Ian Covell, Bennie Arthur.
Afterwards this band plays free- Discount Cruise to Hell
@ MR.T's BOWL
5621 1/2 n. Figeroua in Highland Park
101 South - 110 Pasadena - Exit 52 - Figueroa St - Right - 58 St. - Left - Parking Lot Entrance on Left Side.

see you there!
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And then THURSDAY at 8pm at The EMPTY STAGE come see me cure AIDS by performing stand up comedy!
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AIDS can happen to anyone.
Great line up. See poster.

Join COMEDIANS FOR THE CURE, Team Sparks Nation, and the AIDS Project Los Angeles in raising money for AIDS research and outreach programs.

COMEDIANS FOR THE CURE
A Night of Comedy to benefit the APLA/AIDS Walk

This Wed and Thursday shows. Good ones!

2006-09-12T04:49:00.000-07:00

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE RANDOM DREGS OF SOCIETY

2006-09-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

ATTENTION RANDOM DREGS of SOCIETY:

I hoped that we would cross paths less frequently, but seeing as how that is not always the case, I would like to inform you of my new policies...

From now on if you decide to shout loud, incoherent, half-sentences while I am performing stand up comedy at a local bar, club or other venue I will invite you onstage. Where you will then be told to sit in the corner and think about what you've done.

If after returning to your seat, you sit (or fall) back down, and proceed to loudly answer rhetorical questions that I may pose, I will grudgingly provide you with a brief, introductory lecture on basic english sentence structure. Because however pathetic it may be, I do understand that our public education system is crap. And that you may not have received such a rudimentary lesson in elementary or junior highschool. But I would advise you to listen carefully, because this short lesson may be followed by a pop quiz!

If instead you decide to continue this behavior, then that's it; HEADS ON THE DESK. For EVERYONE. And you know what that means, don't you? That's right. Someone will beat the shit out of you at lunch. And then it's out of my hands.

Formerly yours,

Erica Doering

I am on You Tube! Great quick cliip

2006-08-23T05:08:00.000-07:00

Hi Everybody! I'm trying to see how this You Tube thing works. Enjoy. I hope you like it! Erica

The Universe is downsizing!

2006-08-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

If you read the news today then you already know that this is now up for debate:
Is Pluto really a planet?

CNN & EDD International - Aug 14, 2006
2,500 astronomers are presently meeting in Prague to define the parameters of what equals a planet.* The outcome of the conference will decide if the planet Pluto will get renewed for another season or be cancelled. If there is a stalemate the decision will be decided with a toll free call in voting system scheduled to air on Fox News during sweeps. If Pluto does get the axe Donald Trump will be paid a six figured income to deliver the famous "You're fired!" line to the planet via satellite.

Bush weighed in on the matter with these insightful statements;

"Whyda we need nine planets when there's already 8? Pluto's a dog and that's not in the constitution of the solarplex system known as the system of the constitutional Uno-verse. And Uno is nuthin more than a card game. .But they've gotta an extra and we've got a "draw four." Nine is the upside down number of the beast. If we subtract one, then we'll have seven and that makes us strong. We can't know what things look like until we look at 'em. And then we can change your minds and lookit it again. "

Since so few of you tell what is true and what is not I have this handy thing called an asterix for you to use as a guide.

* Totally 100 percent true. Source: http://edition.cnn.com/2006/TECH/space/08/14/planet.meeting.ap/

Spinning girl privates!

2006-08-10T02:58:00.000-07:00

Some poor actresses in this new Tampax Pearl commercial may stumble upon this blog someday, and for that I apologize. I wish she hadn't googled and ended up here. Because she's probably not going to be feeling too great after she reads it. But whatever, at least she has health insurance, so she can just get a therapist and deal with it I guess.

Okay here's a breakdown of the commercial in question:

Commercial: (Vo) Tampax Pearl expands width-wise to fit your unique form in every direction.

Translation: That means it seals the um vagina up better. A helpful feature in a tampon.

Commercial: They show a graphic of a tampon expanding in a circular fashion.

Translation: Tampons that don't do this expand in one or two directions, but not in more than one direction like this one claims to do. That could lead to icky messes for a chick with a heavy flow, the wrong size tampon, or I would imagine someone who has a big twat. (I only go into detail for anyone who doesn't already get that. ie A few of you, I'm sure.)

Okay now tampon commercials have to delicately smooth over this info without completely disregarding it altogether. for obvious reasons. Not an easy task, I'm sure. But it's this next part that is really worth mentioning...

Commercial: An arial shot of a chick wearing a long skirt. She is twirling around. Her skirt ballons out in every direction. (in a way similar to how the Tampax Pearl tampon does. (VO) Tampax Pearl expands width-wise to fit your unique form.

Translation: This girl is a HUGE DANCING TAMPON!

It is so fucking awesome. I know this chick probably didn't realize that. Maybe she was a little dumb. Maybe she just kept telling herself that the co-pay on the sag medical was really good. We all need our insulin. If so, I completely undestand. It is indeed a great health plan. I miss it terribley. But more likely than not, she just thought she was spinning around to imply how happy she is that tampax has invented this new great tapmon. Which is the literal translation. But jeesh, you don't often get to see enormous dancing tampons on primetime and I look forwad to seeing it every chance I get!

The War: Cancelled due to lack of viewership

2006-07-27T02:38:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of the war. It's predictable, repetative and the cast is dull and lackluster. The violence is glamorized and it's starting to feel like some sort of pointless Spike Lee movie without the feel good ending. The commercials suck and the soundtrack is downright terrible. I have decided to stop watching and you should too. I'm guessing if we tune out they'll cancel the war and we can hopefully get a decent mid season sitcom replacement or if we're lucky they'll show Seinfeld reruns. It's like anything; if we don't watch it, they'll stop playing it. Let's get the war cancelled! Who's with me?

The best stuff never written

2006-07-23T04:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, screw you. I'm taking this shit to the BANK people. (Done in an awesome 80's comic voice. Act out of atm card swipe optional. )

Random sketch ideas written a few minutes ago..

MYSPACE UNITES: Per a request by "Tom" for members to flex their power the Myspace community decides collectively to live life viturally, exclusively.This results in what first seems like a utopian society of peace, quiet and happieness that quickly implodes when "Reba" becoming the world's favorite sitcom. Reba McEntire sweeps the Emmys and very quickly becomes president. Awfulness and hilarity ensue. (General cry for offline activism)

THE PLAGUE- REVISTED: The year is 1353. Robbie Jackson (brother of president to be Andrew Jackson and historically out of place) Enters drunk and enthusiastic at a sewage pipe party thrown by rats. Exit shot of him being carried out on the backs of rats singing, "For he's a jolly good good fellow." (Continuous) Rats are throwing up and dying outside the party. (Cut to Robbie looking sickly at a different party.) Robbie kisses two girls on the cheek. Robbie drinks from several strangers' abandoned drinks. Close ups of double dipping. Robbie high fives several patrons. (Close up ) One furry hand punches the high fiver n the face. Cut to : Smokey the Bear: Only YOU can prevent (obvious dubbing) "The Plague". *

*based loosely on a drunk conversation with Bennie about both of us being sick this week and the fact that I once played Robbie Jackson in a fourth grade play where he died of the plague.

God's first blog. By God.

2006-07-14T01:39:00.000-07:00

Day 1

Bored as all get out, so I decided to make something. It's important to keep busy. Anyways, created Earth (got the name from the band "Earth Wind and Fire." I know they don't exist yet, but I can't help it, I love those guys!) and a place called Heaven (named after my favorite future StarTrek Voyager Episode).

Gonna use Heaven for entertaining or maybe a master bedroom. Not sure what to do with Earth. Maybe a guest house?

Also called the power company.(Was on hold forever of course) Couldn't
believe the electric wasn't on yet. I scheduled a hook up weeks ago! Had to speak to the supervisor to get the freakin lights turned on. It was pretty much bullshit. Took a nap afterwards.

Day 2
Started a garden for the guest house.
Lots of green in the color scheme. Doesn't look half bad.

Day 3

Put some lights up in the guest house. Made a nightlight outta cheese, it's pretty trippy.

Day 4
Started on the aquarium. Cost a fortune.

Day 5
Just for fun made a cow today. Spent a few hours cowtipping. Hilarious. Created two people to take care of the grounds after that. Almost screwed it up because I didn't have enough ingrediants. Had to take apart the first guy to help build the second one. Didn't have enough to make him a penis though. Maybe he won't notice.

Oh and then those jerks ate the cow. Whatever. I just made another one. Anyways the place is almost done I guess. Time to hit the sack.

Day 6
Not sure those two people can handle the whole place by themselves, they're a little on the dumb side. Anyways pretty sure they're catholic, so I should have an entire staff in no time if you know what I mean. Partied pretty hard afterwards.

Day 7
Finished Earth today and I am exhausted. Also still hung over from last night. Slept most of the day. Pretty sure Earth was a bad idea. Whatever

The words that drove Zidane to kiss the final moments of his career goodbye

2006-07-09T19:01:00.000-07:00

The fact that I watched today's Worldcup was really just a stroke of luck. My roommate turned it on and I was immediately into it.

For the 3 of you who don't already know it was the final game. France and Italy were tied 1-1. I have no alliances, so it seemed clear to me that France was playing the superior game. Anyways, they're all playing pretty hard. They go into overtime. First overtime: 15 minutes. Nobody scores. They go into a second overtime: Another 15 minutes. Again, no score. Now it's time for the kicks. Five penalty kicks are allotted for each team. Their 5 best kickers go to bat against one goalie. France misses and Itally wins with a 3-2 penalty kick in overtime. Now I could stop here. You would walk away thinking that was a pretty amazing game. But that wasn't the only amazing part. The astonishing part happened a few minutes into the first overtime.

Zadine (France's capt.) and Materazzi (Italy) have been at each other's throats all day, that's no secret. Now we see them quietly press each other's buttons for a moment. They're clearly taunting each other. The ball is nowhere near them, but they're on top of each other. Materazzi appears to tweak Zadine's tit slightly. They seperate. Materazzi says something and suddenly history is made when a split second later Zadine turns around, ball nowhere in site, and headbutts Materazzi with more gusto than a headbutt has ever been excecuted by anyone. Materazzi is hit so hard he literally takes flight and falls on his ass. Check it out, It's AMAZING!

Now even though it is very clearly on camera that the head butt is gross misconduct, at least one ref has to have seen it live to give the penalty. One does. No idea if he's fibbing or not, but he calls it. Zidane, who has already announced his retirement beforehand, Zidane France's talented team captain, is red carded out of the game. As in off the field, no sitting in the bleachers, see ya later, goodbye to you. The final moment of his career. He's not even allowed back, and rightly so, and cannot even participate in the ceremony afterwards. Poor France walks away, cup lost, without even a leader's hand to hold. Amazing. Wicked. It leaves billions wondering, "What the hell did Materazzi say that was so terrible?"

So what was the phrase that drove Zidane over the edge? I have the answer on good authority. Here's how it went down:

Step 1) The titty twister

Step 2) Followed by a "Fuck off" from Zadine.

and then the straw that broke the camel's back...

Step 3) Materazzi saying, "You are ZeDane Cook of soccer."

So really, how can you blame the guy?

In Pursuit of Hate

2006-07-06T12:36:00.000-07:00

Later tonight I'm doing a spot in a storytelling show at the UCB. The topic is "Hate" and I have no idea what the hell I will talk about, but chances are these things will not make the cut.

Story 1:

Magee Larkin hated me. I can't be sure why. As far as I know I had never had a conversation with her, or even been alone in the same room with this very short, very angry, irish bad ass. Despite that, from 9th to 12th grade, at least once a week a message would travel around the halls of Holyoke Highschool that Magee Larkin would be outside waiting for me, and that a severe ass kicking would take place....

Story2:

Everybody at Highland Elementary school hated Jung Sook Jung. I'm not sure what day it was that the winds changed on that one, might've been the time her mom brought in plates full of chocolate chip cookies, or when she stopped wearing that ugly orange sweater, but somewhere along the line no one hated Jung Sook anymore. They hated someone else.

Who I wondered? I had to find out and quick. One wrong move and I could be unknowingly sharing my leggos with the new hated kid and that would leave me hated by default. And no one wanted that. I watched my friends and classmates faces for weeks for some sort of hint and got nothing. But today was the day I'd find out, I knew that for certain. Erin Kennedy passed a note that was read by each and every 10 year old in Ms. Patockiny's reading class that made that very clear. "Secret meeting at the slide after school. Bring rocks!"....

Story 3:

Robert Burt was a 20 something year old that I'd met outside of a theater in Hollywood. A well dressed, fast talking actor down on his luck. He was new in town, fresh off the bus and he needed a place to stay. "Well don't look at me, buddy. I'm not an idiot." I thought smartly to myself. Two weeks later Robert was camped lout on my couch...

Random Hate List:

I hate that I get overwhelmed by the stupidest things. I hate that I never get anything done. I hate that I hate eating alone. I hate that everyone seems to know more about how to live life than me. I hate that I wish everyone liked me. I hate my hair. I hate the way my apartment is cluttered. I hate that I have no self discipline. I hate the taste of milk. I hate that I feel alone sometimes. I hate that I turn simple things into big projects. I hate that Eddie Pepitone's I Hate Blank show got cancelled. I hate that I don't have a boyfriend. I hate that I don't know where to get a good haircut. I hate that I panic over silly things. I hate that I can't seem to master the art of sleeping. I hate that I don't have a literary agent. I hate that I don't have a commercial agent. I hate that I don't have a theatrical agent. I hate that I don't have cable. I hate that I have tiny miniature crushes on people that will never ever find out. I hate that the people I secretly have little crushes on don't end up just asking me out. I hate that so many talentless hacks have so much self confidence. I hate whoever stole my bike last summer. I hate that there are no bike shops in my neighborhood where I could buy a bike to replace that bike. I hate that I can't see out of my right eye. I hate having diabetes. I hate being afraid of getting sick. I hate that I'm afraid of dying in a car accident. I hate that I can remember every terrible thing anyone has ever said to me. I hate that at any moment someone could say something mean to me and I will repeat it inside my head for months if not years. I hate that I'm too nice. I hate that I have a hard time approaching people I admire. I hate that snow is cold. I hate that I'm not taller. I hate that I can never remember the names of bands I like. I hate that I don't have a big cool cd collection. I hate that dirt accumulates under my fingernails for no real reason. I hate that I don't have any nice furniture. I hate that my cat sheds too much. I hate that I don't know how to tweeze my own eyebrows. I hate that my body is not completely hairless. I hate that I have been on a life long search for the perfect color lipgloss and come up empty handed. I hate that my roommate broke the round dish thing in my microwave and still hasnt replaced it. I hate that I will never have the nerve to ask him to. I hate that I am scared to get a rental car when I go on vacation for no reason at all. I hate that for some reason my old blog disappeared. I hate that I don't know how to get the universal remote control for my TV to work. I hate people who refuse to use their blinker. I hate that I haven't finished editing my short film. I hate that I go out every weekend with the vague idea that maybe I'll meet an interesting guy. I hate the word man. I hate that my blankets won't fit in the washer. I hate that I hate figuring out what I hate. I hate dust. I hate that people aren't more humble. I hate that I have never sang in a band. I hate that I'm too lazy to make a salad. I hate saying goodbye and I hate that I hate saying goodbye because that is cliche.

Proclamation of Doing Stuff

2006-06-29T13:53:00.000-07:00

I have to get more done. More more more. Must, must must. In an effort to get more done today I am making a proclamation to do the following. If the things listed below do not get done today I will be forced to pubicly admit it on the world wide web and walk around for the rest of the evening my head bowed in shame at the notgettingitdoneness of it all.

Today I will:

Sign, copy and mail this letter thing to my lawyer. STATUS: Worth 1 point Scored: 0 Points. I . Didn't do it. Too hot to walk to the copy place thing.

Write 15 more thank you cards. STATUS: Worth 1 point. Scored: 1/2 point. I did 7 instead. I take thank you cards very seriously.

Somehow get to one bank and see if they will cash this one check and then somehow get to this second bank on the other side of town and do other banking related things there. STATUS: Worth 4 points. Scored:1/4 points. I did part 1 of this only to find they closed the account due to lack of activity. Then when I tried to reopen it they told me I couldn't use The Eye Care for Erica Emergency Eycare Fund as the name of my account anymore. But it was closed because of activity, and this was activity, but, but but. Ugh I left defeated after punch said bank manager in the face a few times. By then I could not bare to go to a whole 'nother bank.

Find and then pay the two medical bills that I lost while getting distracted by my dog being cute. STATUS: Worth: 1 point. Scored: 0 points. Nope. Dog is still cute. Plus it was too hot.

Purchase these items at a store: Drinking water, taquitos, and some sort of food that is at least mildly nourishing that I will then afterwards actually eat. STATUS: Worth 1 point. Scored: 1 point.Yep, I did this.

Write the new five minutes that I've been avoiding writing for the past few weeks. STATUS: Worth 5 points. Score: 3 points. Nope. I did however briefly think up a funny story to tell at a show for the topic, "Worlds Colliding". I didn't pick the topic.

Look over those five minutes as some sort of precursor to performing them somewhere tonight or Friday. Which I also have been avoiding because everybody knows blindish people aren't funny. STATUS: Worth: 4 points. Scored: 4 points. I thought about my story and then marched over to UCB where I had a triumphant return to the stage I think there were 10 people there. I didn't care, it was fun.

Water the lawn. With fervor. Stuff is dying out there. I could be responsible for the death of multiple living things. STATUS: Worth 1 point. Scored: 1 point.Yep, I did this one. Not really with fervor. More like, "Hey if I don't do this, that'll make me a jerk."

...So that's what it's come to people. If I have to threaten myself with some sort of internet flogging in order to stop from spending the entire day in some sort of a.d.d. anxiety attack then so be it. I am not going to judge myself for the fact that this list seems short and tedious and relatively inconsequential to anything at all. I've gotta start somewhere. Okay. Wish me luck.

SCORECARD:

Total possible points: 18

Life: 8 1/4 points

Me: 9 3/4 points

It's too late for me to know for sure if the math is right because I'm sick of scrolling up and down and I'm tired. I think I beat life by 1/2 a point which sounds like about what happens. No suprises here. Let's see what she can do tomorrow. For now it's back to you.

TV Commercials that aren't quite right

2006-06-23T14:24:00.000-07:00

Okay there must be more of these, please share them if you have one! Here are two I've noticed. The Restasis one is currently running, the other one ran at least 3 years ago.

Restasis: Restasis is some eye drop for people with dry eyes. Here's the funny part. At the end of the commercial it says,

"blah, blah blah... Restasis may cause severe burning."
And right after that the lady who is taking the Restasis says,
"Restasis... More of my own tears."

Ha! This amuses me to no end. I sit around waiting for it to come on because it is so damn funny.

How long do you think it'll take them to figure that out before they pull it? I've seen it a handlful of times at least. I'm guessing at least another 3 weeks if ever.

My other favorite incident of poorly written commercial copy was for a brand name bread. I think it was called "Arrow Wheat" or "Orrow Wheat" or something, and I saw it a few years ago. I only saw it twice on daytime TV and no one else I know saw it before it got pulled...

The commercial starts off with a guy baking bread. It looks like he knows what he's doing because the oven is really big and he has a baker's hat on.

The guy pulls the bread out of the oven and the voiceover says, "...blah, blah, blah how great it is, thanks to our master bakers like Ed."

Hahaha, "Masterbakers" ha! Ha.

Thanks TV Commericals!

My Couch is a Monster. A story with pictures.

2006-06-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

My Couch is a Monster.

====================================================================================

I Have to feed him or he will destroy me

====================================================================================

Mostly he eats change.

====================================================================================

And sometimes potato chips.

====================================================================================

But one day I heard a horrible sound coming from the couch.

GRRRRRRRRRYOWYOWYOWGRRR

What was that? What could it be?

====================================================================================

I thought, "Oh no, is my couch mad at me?"

Maybe he's hungry.

"Couch, do you want more potato chips?" I asked.

That's when I realized, my couch had a belly ache!

=====================================================================================

So I got him some medicine.

And then I waited for him to get better.

====================================================================================

"GRRRYOWYOWYOWGRRrr!" growled the couch.

=====================================================================================

"Jeez, that can't be good. " I thought.

I knew what I had to do...

I was gonna have to operate.

Luckily I had had some previous training.

====================================================================================

I toiled away for hours.

====================================================================================

Digging deep,

=====================================================================================

deep,

=====================================================================================

DEEP

Into the recesses of the couch...

=====================================================================================

Until I found something!

=====================================================================================

I found Punkin!

=====================================================================================

YAY!

=====================================================================================

After I rescued Punkin everyone was relieved;

Me,

Punkin,

And the couch.

====================================================================================

And we all lived happily ever after...

The End.

Introducing: "Punish Blog" For Parent's on the go!

2006-06-19T03:52:00.000-07:00

Welcome to "Punish Blog" For Parents On The Go!

Dear Parent(s)

Why should you use "Punish Blog"? Well, it's a fast paced world. And you're up to your armpits in debt and duty. You want to be stern, upright beacons of light for the minor members of your family who look to you for guidance, but who has the time? Not you. We understand and we here at "Punish Blog" are happy to take over the laborious task of assigning and reassigning punishment to pesky children between the ages of 10 and 17 who

ACCIDENTLY BRING A GUN TO SCHOOL

USE THAT GUN TO SHOOT MORE THAN ONE CLASS MEMBER IN A 24HR PERIOD.

LEAD ONE OR MORE DRUG TRAFFICKING RINGS INSIDE OR NEARBY AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHILE ARRIVING HOME LATE FOR CURFEW.

REGULARLY VIOLENTLY EXECUTE CHILDHOOD FRIEND(s) WHILE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

REGULARLY KILL MORE THAN ONE ADULT IN THE HOUSEHOLD BEFORE 11am

REGULARLY BEAT OR RAPE MORE THAN ONE NUN AT A TIME WITHIN A 2 MILE RADIOUS OF THE HOME.

If this sounds like you and you're tired of dealing with these pesky, juvenile offenses (and who isn't), we can help!

Punish Blog's introductory offer includes:

* A list of appropriate restrictions for each offense!

* A personal website listing your child's offenses- Public or private. Featuring our own WebKitty floral design background!

* Links to positive role models!

* Your own secure screen name and password upon registration!

* Half price admission to our online network and dating community. Featuring other parents just like you in your area!

* AND MORE!

*DISCLAIMER: "Punish Blog" is not responsible for death or destruction of life or property. "Punish Blog" reserves the right and sole discretion to publish your child's photo and offense, your name and phone number, the names of any and all pets you may or may not have had, the social security numbers of people you know or people who think they may know you or who have claimed to have known you in the past.

I need someone to give me treats.

2006-06-16T11:27:00.000-07:00

My dog is a lucky girl. She sits there and follows me around throughout the day doing relatively nothing and I give her treats. Just for being her. Just for living.
She doesn't need to write a hit song, be a regular on a sitcom, or even smell very good. I need someone like that.

I want someone who spends their day at home at my house who is under the impression that I do nothing with my time but follow them around to give me treats. Someone to tell me, "Hey, you're the best.", "I don't care if the other dogs are wearing cute sweaters, you're my favorite."

How do I go about getting one of those?

Recovering from eye surgery

2006-06-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

So since I have basically lost all of my readers from my other blog I might as well get the new people a little bit up to date on what it is that's going on with me, I guess.

April 12th I had a very serious eye surgery called a vitrectomy. It was due to a problem in my right eye and it was an emergency surgery to hopefully help me save my vision in that eye. I have type 1 diabetes. I have diabetic retinopothy in both eyes. Last year this condition was stable, but my eye was fragile. I was in a car accident as a passenger and the impact of the accident tore my retina. The retina became detached and I had a surgery to put it back and a few other smaller surgeies after that. My left eye is currently stable and the vision in that eye is doing well, so thank God for that. Anyhow I needed a vitrectomy in my right eye and that is the surgery I had April 12th.

The vitrectomy is a procedure that's used to clear a blood hemorrhage in the humorous fluid. This all crap I knew very little about until recently. Anyways they scrape out the hemorrhage and replace the fluid with saline or something. During the surgery the doctor also removed a surgical cataract that had formed a previous surgery I had the April before. I didn't know he was going to do that and that part of the surgery involved him removing the lens. And now it's gone. Just like that. Just like my old blog, without warning. If my eye recovers he may be able to add some weird sort of contact lens so I can see again. Right now I have no vision in that right eye.

I also have no health insurance and there was a big comedy benefit, two benefits actually, that helped me to raise the money to get that emergency surgery and help me through the recovery period. The first benefit was on April 12th at The Steve Allen theater in Los Angeles and it was amazing. Louis CK, Bob Odenkirk, Patton Oswalt, Dana Gould, Naked Trucker, Andy Kindler, The Tomorrow Show band, and Jimmy Pardo performed. Advanced clips of Wondershowzen were shown, and Morel Orel and Jim Gaffigan donated DVD's to auction off as well. It was pretty much a sold out show and one of the best line ups for a single comedy event that Los Angeles has seen in a long time. I got a lot of support from my fellow comics and the money raised at the event paid for the surgery.

There was a second benefit a few weeks later with another stellar line up at the Friars of Beverly Hills featuring Darren Carter, Marc Maron, Mark Cohen, Greg Behrendt, Jimmy Dore, Jimmy Shubert and Doug Benson.

Anyhow I couldn't have asked for more talented performers or a more awesome show of support from the community. It was honestly amazing, inspiring and awesomely uplifting.

And now I am here at home recovering. I am past the weeks and weeks of looking at the floor ( part of the recovery after the surgery requires you to not move your head up and to stare at the floor for weeks), and my eye is no longer patched up. I no longer have any pain from the surgery and I still have to sleep on a massage table at night so that I can face down while asleep, but I've managed to mostly keep in good spirits given the circumstances, but I am starting to slowly freak out.

There is no improvement yet in my vision at all and I think there should be some by now. I looked at my eye in the mirror today (something I avoid doing all together for the most part) and my eye is starting to look bad. It seems very slightly off to the right I noticed today and that sent me into a complete panic. I mostly haven't been doing much to help the recovery besides taking some vitamins and doing all the things the doctor told me to do. And now I am worried that I should have been doing something else. That I haven't done enough and that I've run out of time. I can't even begin to explain how incredibly frightened I am. I pulled out my old juiceman jr. today and vowed to drink bunches of carrot juice from now on. I'm going to start trying to do eye exercises and maybe meditate and try visualization and something and I'm going to pray, heck I might even go to one of those healing born again Christian I'm-gonna-heal-you-by-praying-over-your-pathetic-ass type masses. I think I need to take something for the anxiety I'm having because I can't function this way. Anyways I forgot what my point was, I guess I'm done for now.

Famous people are gonna be there, can you feel it?

2006-06-13T05:05:00.000-07:00

Whew. I am just now recovering from a two hour guilty pleasure feeding frenzy, ie Real Hollywood Gossip . After reading I suddenly realized that a club that has been written about there many times, the club that is the biggest, The most Entourage-y, THE CRAZIEST private club in all of LA right now...The one where all the big-wig party hungry celebrities hang out, and rich not-so famous-types pay thousands of dollars to be members of, sent me a myspace request back in April. Ha! I didn't even know who they were then and I took one glance and deleted them without a thought.

But it is intersting. I would not normally be sought out by that type of club. Not because it's a club, just because it happens to be THE club. A club where Paris Hilton and A-list types hang out regularly. The kind of place that turns a lot of famous people who aren't "famous enough" away. Hilarious. They must have caught wind of the "Eye Care For Erica Benefit" and gave me some sort of semi-celebrity status on a weak night or something.

Had I known I would've gone to at least one of their crazy parties. Oh well, that's the way the gossip rag bounces I suppose. Fame is so fleeting.

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Oh speaking of crazy stripper types, I am still puzzling over the myspace request I got a minute ago from an 18 year old stripper in Florida. Granted if she's for real this is probably her 50th account by now, but how I would be even vaguely part of her target demographic is beyond me. She only has 14 friends and somehow I am #15?

How does that happen? I'm guessing she must be a litttle sister of someone who knew someone who knew me, or something and she got it in her head that she was gonna rub Hollywood elbows if she became friends with me. Couldn't be further from the truth, Firestar, or whatever your name was. I am notorious for treating celebrities just like every other stranger I meet in LA. I give them credit for knowing where the cheapest thai food is and then move on.

How to punch people in the face without really trying

2006-06-12T05:52:00.000-07:00

Seeing as how the people who are reading this are probably not the people who read the former "Life As A Hollywood Nobody" blog, I guess I can be lazy and share with you an old blog post whhile I try and figure out how to direct the other readers here. (I am a king without a kingdom for the moment). Anyway, so here is something that you would have already seen had you read the other blog, since I'd already posted this sketch there. I guess you didn't need to know that, but I would've felt like I was cheating if I didn't tell you. Apparently I have a guilt complex I knew nothing about. Anyhow let's cut to the chase...

When someone asked me for a sample sketch that had Paris Hilton,Tiger Woods, George W. Bush and Oprah Winfrey in it I stifled the urge to punch them in the face. I didn't criticize them for being a moron who can't understand comedy sketches that are not chock full of celebrities. I resisted the urge to throw up my hands and say, "You sir are idiot who is clearly in search of uninspired comedy that fails to think outside the box. Please go away."... Instead I wrote this sketch. I think it rose to the challenge by providing an original take on a pretty medicore premise.

Not that it seemed to matter the bumbass never called me anyhow. Whatever at least I got a decent sketch out of it. Enjoy.

ALIEN STATES OF AMERICA a sketch by Erica Doering

INTERIOR CONFERENCE ROOM- DAY

A map of the world hangs on the wall. Five people whose faces
we don’t see yet are seated at the table looking at the map and
over various notes.

CLOSE UP on an INTERCOM

INTERCOM(Digitized Voice)
Your inter-planetary conference call from
Mother ship to Headquarters will begin in 3-2-1.

From the INTERCOM we hear the voice of the SUPREME LEADER.

SUPREME LEADER
Hello Commander, and congratulations. I hear
you’ve made great strides in readying the
Earthlings for planetary possession.

PARIS HILTON turns around.

PARIS HILTON
Thank you, sir.

SUPREME LEADER
How is Mind Control coming along?

PARIS HILTON
The team is doing quite well, sir.

PARIS gives a nod to TIGER WOODS

TIGER WOODS
The Earthlings are at their most vulnerable
now sir. In fact I have never seen a species
so open to suggestion.

I’ve been having a bit of fun with it…

SUPREME LEADER
I used to be quite the prankster myself, back
in the day. Please, tell me, what have you done?

TIGER WOODS
Well, um, sir, I’ve managed to suggest
that a black man on Earth could overcome
the prejudice against his race and
become an world renowned professional golfer!
(Starts laughing)

Room fills with laughter. SUPREME LEADER gets a hold of himself.

SUPREME LEADER
Mmmm they are ready INDEED.
Good work, Tiger.

TIGER WOODS
Thank you sir. I am happy to report that
I used the funds from the sponsorship
advertisements to get new spinners for the Mother ship.

CUT TO a wide shot of the exterior of the UFO suspended in
mid air with shiny new spinners on it’s landing wheels.

SUPREME LEADER
Well I don’t know if that’s the wisest…

PARIS
(Shoots TIGER a look)
Don’t worry. It’s under control, sir.
We’ve also gotten almost complete
control of their media. Howard’s even
prompted the Earthlings for probing.

SUPREME LEADER
Amazing…How?

HOWARD STERN puts down the CENTERFOLD he’s been staring at.

HOWARD STERN
Repetition, sir. Listen to this.

HOWARD flips on a recording of his morning radio show.

HOWARD’S RECORDED VOICE
Do you do anal? Lemme ask you somethin’, do
you do anal? Do you do anal? Oh, what I’d like
to do to you-

PARIS shuts off the recording.

PARIS HILTON
Now that the subject of anal probing has been
introduced into the mainstream consciousness
their bodies will be more receptive to the idea.
(giggles) That’s hot.

SUPREME LEADER
How’s the robot working out?

PARIS looks disgusted. She snaps her fingers at GEORGE W. BUSH

PARIS HILTON
George, get me a beverage.

GEORGE W. BUSH stands up.

GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes, Commander. I will get you a beverage.
Beverages are good. Good for America. Cuz
they’re liquid refreshments. And America needs
to be refreshed and liquefied. And good…

GEORGE W. BUSH rambles on and exits looking for a beverage.

PARIS rolls her eyes.

PARIS HILTON
The bot’s brain-chip malfunction has progressed.
He appears to be useless.

SUPREME LEADER
If you want you can pull the plug, Commander.

PARIS HILTON
That’s okay sir. It’s weakening the planet’s
race and resources, so we will keep him on until
we get HER in office.

SUPREME LEADER
Oh yes. How is my little angel?

OPRAH WINFREY puts down a giant doughnut.
A Spotlight shines on her as if from the heavens.

OPRAH WINFREY
Readying myself for the presidential
nomination, daddy.

SUPREME LEADER
Wonderful. Well, it looks like things are
right on schedule. Thank you for all of
your efforts, Commander.

PARIS HILTON
My pleasure, sir.

BLACK OUT

Me: Fun Facts Game

2006-06-12T05:13:00.000-07:00

Which one of these fun facts is not true?

1) I once stole a "Hello Kitty" notebook from a local book store. I was 8. It became my first journal which was later burned by a family member because it was "evil".

2) My imaginary friend, Mr. Pure, circa 6-7 years old, was an adult with a bionic ear.

3) I was once hired as, but never worked as, a telephone psychic.

4) For two days in Los Angeles I had a job convincing people to let us spray-paint their addresses on the curb in front of their place of business for 20- 40 dollars a pop.

5) I once worked for a group of Scientologists that flew me across the country to sell vegetable choppers.

6) One of my first voice over jobs was for an x rated website where I read daily stock reports from a script full of sexual innuendoes.

7) I once wrote a 10 page letter as God to "Margaret" in response to Judy Blume's book, "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret?" which neither Margaret nor Judy have ever responded to.

8) In fourth grade I gave Robert Bihler 100 pennies to be my valentine.

Happy Birthday Satan

2006-06-07T16:44:00.000-07:00

So yesterday was 6/6/06... As in 666.... As in the number of the beast.

THE DAY OF DESTRUCTION!
SATAN'S B-DAY!
Big, Bad, and S-C-A-R-Y! Right? Right?!... WRONG.

I was expecting a little excitement. Some flaming stuff or devil horned goth people howling at the moon or something. But the day pretty much came and went without a peep.I even took a trot over to the Church of Satan's 1st High Mass Ceremony at the Steve Allen Theater in search of some excitement. If the gates of hell were gonna open, I at least wanted to be there to witness it first hand. But it was closed to the public and supposedly "sold out" (how wild can you be with prepaid tickets?), and aside from the occassional "Hail Satan!" cries from inside it the smallish theater it seemed a little tame. My retired Armenian neighbors have thrown parties with more hell and damnation involved.

I'm guessing Satan went out for drinks last night and spent all day on the pooper with a bad hangover. Either that or he's a horrible procrastinator. I mean I'm sure he's known all about this big deal 6/6/06 for a pretty long time. What happened, buddy? Don't perform well under pressure? You should be ashamed of yourself. What kind of evil demon are you if you can't even throw a good party? I suggest you start planning for 6.6.60 immediately. Get yourself a subscription to "Martha Stewart Living" and bone up on how it's done.

Are blogs like boyfriends?

2006-06-07T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'm trying this blog out to see if I like it. My old blog service shut down all of the sudden, just like that. You'd think after three years of blogging I would've gotten an email or something, but nope. Nothing. Gone. It made it all seem so cheap. I have no idea if any of my old readers will ever even find me. But whatever. It all feels sort of sad and rapey.

I wonder if I should be starting a new blog so soon? Are blogs like boyfriends? Am I supposed to wait awhile before I jump into a new one so I don't look like a skank? I mean I'll be honest ,while I'm writing in this new blog I'm still thinking about the old one. I can't help it. I miss my old blog. We had a lot of good times together. We laughed, we cried. I rememeber the way he used to tossle my hair when he woke me up in the morning...

But never mind that. Obviously our blogs meant more to me than they did to you, old blog. Three years and you can't even leave a note to say goodbye? I'm moving on. I mean screw you! You were nothing before you found me. I was the best thing that ever happened to you! This new blog appreciates me. We are going to be happy and make beautiful blogs together. You'll see. Oh yes, you, you are gonna be sorry!

Anyways we'll see how you are "blogger", or "blogspot" or whatever your name is. We'll see.
For now let's just move on, shall we? Yes, let's.

The old site is down

2006-06-01T14:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently the other blog isn't working,. I have no idea why, but in the meantime I am looking for a new home. There's a strong possibility i may stay here. If I move from here to somewhere else I'll be sure to say so here.

In the meantime leave a comment to let me know you found me somehow or visit me at www.myspace.com/ericadoering