How to punch people in the face without really trying

Seeing as how the people who are reading this are probably not the people who read the former "Life As A Hollywood Nobody" blog, I guess I can be lazy and share with you an old blog post whhile I try and figure out how to direct the other readers here. (I am a king without a kingdom for the moment). Anyway, so here is something that you would have already seen had you read the other blog, since I'd already posted this sketch there. I guess you didn't need to know that, but I would've felt like I was cheating if I didn't tell you. Apparently I have a guilt complex I knew nothing about. Anyhow let's cut to the chase...

When someone asked me for a sample sketch that had Paris Hilton,Tiger Woods, George W. Bush and Oprah Winfrey in it I stifled the urge to punch them in the face. I didn't criticize them for being a moron who can't understand comedy sketches that are not chock full of celebrities. I resisted the urge to throw up my hands and say, "You sir are idiot who is clearly in search of uninspired comedy that fails to think outside the box. Please go away."... Instead I wrote this sketch. I think it rose to the challenge by providing an original take on a pretty medicore premise.

Not that it seemed to matter the bumbass never called me anyhow. Whatever at least I got a decent sketch out of it. Enjoy.



ALIEN STATES OF AMERICA a sketch by Erica Doering


INTERIOR CONFERENCE ROOM- DAY

A map of the world hangs on the wall. Five people whose faces
we don’t see yet are seated at the table looking at the map and
over various notes.

CLOSE UP on an INTERCOM

INTERCOM(Digitized Voice)
Your inter-planetary conference call from
Mother ship to Headquarters will begin in 3-2-1.

From the INTERCOM we hear the voice of the SUPREME LEADER.

SUPREME LEADER
Hello Commander, and congratulations. I hear
you’ve made great strides in readying the
Earthlings for planetary possession.

PARIS HILTON turns around.

PARIS HILTON
Thank you, sir.

SUPREME LEADER
How is Mind Control coming along?

PARIS HILTON
The team is doing quite well, sir.

PARIS gives a nod to TIGER WOODS

TIGER WOODS
The Earthlings are at their most vulnerable
now sir. In fact I have never seen a species
so open to suggestion.

I’ve been having a bit of fun with it…

SUPREME LEADER
I used to be quite the prankster myself, back
in the day. Please, tell me, what have you done?

TIGER WOODS
Well, um, sir, I’ve managed to suggest
that a black man on Earth could overcome
the prejudice against his race and
become an world renowned professional golfer!
(Starts laughing)

Room fills with laughter. SUPREME LEADER gets a hold of himself.

SUPREME LEADER
Mmmm they are ready INDEED.
Good work, Tiger.

TIGER WOODS
Thank you sir. I am happy to report that
I used the funds from the sponsorship
advertisements to get new spinners for the Mother ship.

CUT TO a wide shot of the exterior of the UFO suspended in
mid air with shiny new spinners on it’s landing wheels.

SUPREME LEADER
Well I don’t know if that’s the wisest…

PARIS
(Shoots TIGER a look)
Don’t worry. It’s under control, sir.
We’ve also gotten almost complete
control of their media. Howard’s even
prompted the Earthlings for probing.

SUPREME LEADER
Amazing…How?

HOWARD STERN puts down the CENTERFOLD he’s been staring at.

HOWARD STERN
Repetition, sir. Listen to this.

HOWARD flips on a recording of his morning radio show.

HOWARD’S RECORDED VOICE
Do you do anal? Lemme ask you somethin’, do
you do anal? Do you do anal? Oh, what I’d like
to do to you-

PARIS shuts off the recording.

PARIS HILTON
Now that the subject of anal probing has been
introduced into the mainstream consciousness
their bodies will be more receptive to the idea.
(giggles) That’s hot.

SUPREME LEADER
How’s the robot working out?

PARIS looks disgusted. She snaps her fingers at GEORGE W. BUSH

PARIS HILTON
George, get me a beverage.

GEORGE W. BUSH stands up.

GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes, Commander. I will get you a beverage.
Beverages are good. Good for America. Cuz
they’re liquid refreshments. And America needs
to be refreshed and liquefied. And good…

GEORGE W. BUSH rambles on and exits looking for a beverage.

PARIS rolls her eyes.

PARIS HILTON
The bot’s brain-chip malfunction has progressed.
He appears to be useless.

SUPREME LEADER
If you want you can pull the plug, Commander.

PARIS HILTON
That’s okay sir. It’s weakening the planet’s
race and resources, so we will keep him on until
we get HER in office.

SUPREME LEADER
Oh yes. How is my little angel?

OPRAH WINFREY puts down a giant doughnut.
A Spotlight shines on her as if from the heavens.

OPRAH WINFREY
Readying myself for the presidential
nomination, daddy.

SUPREME LEADER
Wonderful. Well, it looks like things are
right on schedule. Thank you for all of
your efforts, Commander.

PARIS HILTON
My pleasure, sir.


BLACK OUT