Consider yourselves warned. You've got thirty days. (A must read for the living)

According to a man I met last night at a subway station, who claimed to be a microbiologist, (spolier alert) the birdflue will be here in thirty days. Just in time for Christmas! He also very convincingly talked about a microwave he helped invent for people. A human microwave, where you get in and get microwaved, and it cures any and all viruses (cancer, AIDS, everything) in your body by raising the tempurature of all your cells and organs to a steamy 140 degrees. He insisted that this fun device will be available to us all very soon. He also had a very smart sounding accent, so naturally I wanted to believe him.

I'm not much for the idea of microwaving people. Especially if the oven's being shared. Microwaves are hard enough to clean as it is, and cooking yourself seems a little unseemly, but seeing other people's scorched cells on the walls of any room that you must close the door too, just sounds icky.

Now like I said he had a smart sounding accent, not to mention he was wearing a jacket. Two things that a lot of doctors have and or do. Seemed pretty smart to me. On the other hand, maybe he was a part of one of those funny hidden camera shows, you know like, "Girls Behaving Badly". Those are really catching on. So I wasn't sure what to think. I tried to look more like I was waiting for the train instead. Because afterall, if this was gonna be on TV, I could use the extra face time. I had to think it through.

It wasn't until he admitted that he wasn't sure how to get back to Hollywood, even after a careful explaination of the easy directions, that I knew for absolute CERTAIN that he must be telling the truth. Most doctor biologist types don't know their ass from their elbow. I have seen this in action many times first hand, so it HAS to be true, no question!

And all I can say to you blog readers, is brace yourselves, because a dude who can't get from Wilshire and Western to Hollywood and Western is about to be in charge of cooking your bird-flu ridden ass in a month.

So basically, goodbye. I'm going to Antarctica. I'll try to blog from there. I'll see who ever made it thru that whole ordeal in the spring and maybe make a meat pie outta the rest of you provided you're not someone else's chicken salad by then. Sorry a girl's gotta eat. I need my protein.

Relentless hatred of KFC found to be more emotionally lucrative than hating oneself!

Hey folks, I totally dropped the ball on the whole self hatred thing today when I remembered how awesome I am. I mean even when I'm not awesome, I'm still pretty "Hell yeah!", if you know what I mean. That is the good news. The bad news is that I have to find something else to hate instead. I mean hatred doesn't just disappear, it changes, you know like water...

But whom or what to hate, that is the question...?

I knew whatever it was, it MUST meet the following criteria:

a) Someone or something that would not beat me up.

b) It has to be easy for me to hate relentlessly when needed, but just as easy for me to blow off when neccessary. You know, in case I need to get stuff done. (Also nothing complicated and frustrating like "the goverment" or "pharmecutical companies", which I already hate in most ways, but I could become too emotionally invested in)

and

c) They or it must be easy to reach. (No overseas or long distance calls can be involved. I'm working on a budget of limited cellular minutes at best)

That is why I have decided to love myself and start hating....

Kentucky Fried Chicken!

Why KFC you ask? Mostly because I barely like it anyways, and it's within walking distance. And clearly they meet the criteria. NO ONE at KFC is going to beat me up. They're at work. They could get sued for that. And Colonel Sanders is as dead as a doornail. He couldn't beat up a spec of dust! Not to mention they deserve the hatred far more than I. I mean I'm pretty nice. I don't have any fictional high-ranking commissioned military officers, alive OR dead, as the figurehead of my comedy, trying to push people around, do I? No! I mean who do those guys think they are anyways?!

Now I'm fairly new to hating restaurant chains, but I think I've already made progress! Today alone I managed to develop a moderate dislike for the tacky red and white color scheme. Top that off with the fact that for a brief while in 2004, "Kentucky Fried Chicken" tried passing themselves off as "Kitchen Fresh Chicken" which no one ever seems to remember, and which has NEVER sat well with me, and add to it that whole weird story that was passed around a few years ago about them frying fingers or chicken heads or something, and I think I'm gonna have noooo problem developing a relentless hatred for KFC. This pleases me.

I do not have a can of soup in my butt.

I went to Ralph's (the grocery store) today (the one on Hollywood and Western) and something sort of weird happened. Nothing too weird, no people dressed in apple tree costumes stole my fruit and scolded me for killing their children or anything like that, but it was still a little odd. Mostly because it wasn't like a "policy" or anything, or at least it isn't yet. Then again, perhaps the policy was tried out on me. You know like for the first dry run or something, and if that's the case, well then you have ME to thank the next time you wanna go to Ralph's and not check your shit in at the door like some sort of porridge stealer.

So what happened was I went to Ralph's, like I said , and I walked in wearing my back pack because I was walking and I like to carry notes with me and stuff. It doesn't really matter why I was wearing the back pack, except to say that it wasn't to tote a bomb in with me, nor was it soon to be a book bag filled with stolen honey bears or something. So I walk in (behind another back pack carrier I might add), past this security guy and the guy tries to stop me. He's like, "Ma'am', you have to leave that at the desk." and I was like, "Who the hell calls me ma'am, jackass?" except I didn't say that part. Instead I said, "Whaa?" or something and he says, "You gotta leave that at the ..." and I just keep walking because I heard him the first time and I'm not doing it. That's right. The idea is so out of touch with itself that I just kept walking. I was proud of myself for doing this; I know how these security dudes can be...

Believe it or not I have often been under suspicion by security guards before. Yeah, I know, to many people I look like a sweet, innocent lover of dogs, but to some people apparently I look like a "deviant" or " a runaway", or perhaps a poverty stricken unwed mother, or a crack head, or I'm not sure what, but trust me it's not the first time I have been under suspect.

People of Asian and Mexican decent are especially susspicious of me, particularly if they work inside small crappy stores that carry posters and lame souvenirs. Those people almost always seem sure that I am some sort of juvenile delinquent that's up to no good. They're the ones that follow me around at stores, up and down each aisle, anyway.

For a long time it used to make me so nervous I would just leave the store and go home feeling guilty. Like I had done something. Stolen something, even though I hadn't. Then I would get this feeling like I shouldn't go out in public because I must look like a trouble maker and I must be carrying some sort of scarlet letter invisible to only me. Something that said, "No one loves her" or "Foster kid" or "Hey, she had lice in fourth grade." or something. And that if I wasn't careful, my having this scarlet letter would somehow cause some sort of horrible incident that would be bad for me and for all of mankind in the long run, so maybe I should just skip the store and stay home. Now I just ignore it or fuck around with them instead. Which is what I recommend you do if that sort of thing happens to you inside a place like that. Unless you're a black person and you're in Korea town, then you might wanna skip it.

Anyways back to what was I was saying about today...I could tell this wasn't some sort of policy. Afterall, I go to this place almost everyday, so I just kept walking. And when he asked me the second time I said, "No." This confused him a little and he was like, "What? Why..?" I was still walking and I just turned to him and said, "I'm not doing that. I don't do it and I won't do it. I'm just not doing it. "And then I just kept moving.

Ha. Now before you gasp or say, "What's the big deal?", or something let me tell you it IS a big deal. I know about a million people who would have done exactly what the guy said, no question. And then what? Now maybe this guy was just trying to get employee of the month or something. Maybe he's new on the job and trying to impress people with how great he is at being a "security guard", I don't know. But the point is if I had done it he would definitely do it again to someone, and they would say yes and pretty soon he'd be doing it without reason to everyone. So, no… Just no. No, no, no. I'm not doing it. I refuse to be treated, or to allow others to be treated, like they are thieves or terrorists in their own neighborhood grocery store. It's retarded.

It's Big Brother-y and it's gross. And if you think it's my imagination, I'm sad to say that you are wrong. If you want a perfect example of security gone amuck in a grocery store you have to go no further than the local Albertson's on Hill Hurst. I went in there for the last time ever about two months ago. Why? Because apparently the people at Albertson's think it is a good idea to have full screen home theater sized security screens inside their store. Not one, not two, not one at each door… an army of FULL SCREEN TV style cameras and screens, not one of those 7-11 jobbers. More like something you'd wanna take home and watch the game on, in every single aisle. Recording your mind numbing pros and cons debate over which is better "extra super" or "super everything" toothpaste.

I almost threw up when I saw them. And yes, they're on. Bright as day. You can re-enact scenes from your failed grocery store sitcom while you're in there. I'm certain a wanna be editor/director is working the boards. But anyway I almost threw up. And not just because I don't like to see myself in the grocery store among the common man, not just because I looked like total crap, as I often do when going to the grocery store (that let's-doll-ourselves-up-n-go-grocery- shopping! Hollywood eccentricity never really caught on with me.), not because it was in high def and my pores looked back, not even because I am a SAG actor, but because it is disgusting.

People go into their neighborhood grocery store, often spending large portions of their paychecks to eat week in and week out, and they are met with that kind of suspicion? And they even have little signs on the shelves in the aisles that say "Shopliftig is a crime. "Or hey don't steal. You're on camera" or something like that. It made me want to barf. It got me so mad that they would do that to their customers. Albertson's is a major grocery store and trust me; they are not being over run by theft and never have been over run by theft on fucking Hill Hurst. But people still go there. People just do what they're told and don't complain about anything and go along do-da-do-da-do and then what? They check your bags. Then come the cameras. Then what? You take off your shoes at the counter? Background checks? Cavity checks? What? Come on...People have managed to run stores without 15 security cameras in them way before fucking Albertson was even a gleam in his mommy's eye. I am just freaking tired of getting shit taken away from me. I won't do it. I will not go quietly into that dark back-pack-taking-off light!

But anyways back to the Ralph's incident... You know what happened when I said no? Guess. Guess what happened when I said, "No. I don't do that." Nothing. That's right, nothing. Nothing happened. Sure Mr. Security Guard may have been thrown for a second, but was it worth it for him to chase me around or something? No. So that's what I suggest you do. If they ask you.

In fact next time you go there wear a back pack. And if the guy asks you just say, "No. I'm sorry. I don't do that" and if you want you can add "Erica says hi!" and please also say, "I live in America." Because guess what, YOU DO. That's right. It's still America. I know it didn't seem like it there for a while, and we've still got a ways to go to get back to where we once were, but you have rights. Not like this is some "thing" about rights, but let's not just plod along letting first the government, and then big businesses push the envelope on your privacy without doing anything about it. Now I know we don't own Ralph's or anything, but when someone wants to try something and you let them, they WILL do it. Let them know you don't want less privacy. You want MORE PRIVACY.

This is not a military state. I would like to remind everyone to stop acting like it is. And stop letting it happen. Sure you can't stop some of it, but you know what, I don't want my ass searched when I go buy zucchini. Please do your best to see that yours does not get searched either (unless you're into that and it's like with a hot bag boy in the alley or something). Okay I'm done.

"So how was New York City?

Okay so it's about time I post about the NY trip. I waited awhile because I've been so busy and this is a little thrown together, but here's how it was...

I loved New York city! I stayed with my friend in the East Village. This area has all the things I like about NY. I've been there before, but never overnight and mostly in Mid town. I've always liked the smaller parts of my experiences there; the awesome food, the walking, the closeness of everything, the coffee shops, the dogs (they're everywhere!), the parks, the flowers outside of every corner market, and the straight-upness of the people. But midtown is so "big" and a little empty in a way, so I really liked the added neighborhood intimacy of the east village much more than I had Manhattan. I always feel sort of welcomed there. I'm too honest myself a lot of the time and I tend to speak from the heart before paying attention to strategy, and maybe those are a few of the main reasons I've always felt so connected to this great city. It just doesn't seem to lie much and it's got heart and I can't stress how much I respect that. I'm hot for that kind of thing. It turns me on almost. Okay I'll admit it, if NYC were a man, I'd probably have sex with it.

Anyways I like the urgency of the place. It's in everything: the traffic, the pedestrains, the worn cement itself. I love the color of things there. The stone buildings and the way the sky is a little grey. I like that sometimes people just let loose and yell at each other in the streets. I like that I saw a firetruck blasting their horn at some idiot who wouldn't move and then telling the guy to get the fuck outta the way, asshole. I like that people tell each other to fuck off loudly when they're mad. It just seems healthy. Especially in NYC. I walk around LA screaming my head off to myself when I'm alone as it is, but there is less privacy there. It seems like you gotta either find a way to let that shit out or maybe it just isn't the city for you. I like the one way streets and the the grid. I LOVE the fucking grid!

I made sure to eat plenty of pizza, sushi, 1 Philly Cheesteak, some place where they only serve mac n Cheese, Indian, and Italian food.

Anyways I loved it. I had spots at Riffifi, Mo Pitkins, and The UCB and I was lucky enough to get stagetime at The Comedy Village, The Village Lantern, The Bowery Poetry Club, Comedy Rant, The Laugh Lounge, Sal's Comedy Hole (best name ever) and probably one or two open mics that I'm forgetting. I had a good time at all of them. Even when i wasn't having a good time, I was having a good time because I'd been wanting to perform in NY for so long now.

I forgot to tape a bunch of sets and I missed out on taping what was one of the most fun sets I've had all year (at UCB) and vowed to tape everyone one of em afterwards. Which I of course didn't stick to...

I get embarassed by the idea of taping myself sometimes when it's not a big show, because I always hear this little voice in my head saying, "Hey dork, this shitty show matters to you? You think you or anyone else is gonna wanna see this crap?You must think you're pretty important! Maybe you should wait to tape things for shows that matter, where you'll have some heavenly set prepared, where the skies will part and unicorns will pull up a seat and take note of it all, asshole."

Anyways I'm going to take another vow to tape every stupid thing again. I figure that way I'll be able to not be embarrassed about it. I can say, "Hey I tape everything, so it's not like I think this is something special, jerk-voice-in-my-head-that-hates-me. Screw you. " It seems like the way to get past the "I hate myself" voice is to beat it at its own game. (I can't say that for certain yet though, it's just a theory I'm working on.)

Anyways after NYC I went upstate to visit my grandmother. That part of the trip took an unusual personal turn and I'll discuss it at another time, maybe. As for comedy I got up at a few places in Troy and one little place that had a real audience and I liked it. I met a few of the local comics and the guy who ran the room was super nice, but overall there wasn't a lot of stagetime available there. I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

I'm auditioning for Aspen! (updated)

Hi people. Guess what? I just got asked to audition for The Aspen Comedy Festival! Awesome! I'm happy to have been invited and I'll be busy preparing for the showcase this coming Tuesday.

As some of you know I've been thru hell this year, so it's especially good to be asked. And I couldn't have made it through any of this crap without your support. So big hugs, kisses, and punches in the face to all of you.

I'll be posting how it goes and how fun my trip to NYC was soon.

UPDATE: 11/17

Okay for those of you who don't already know, I got in a car accident about 24 hours before my audition, yikes! My car was totalled, but luckily no one was hurt .

Since I was covered with bruises on my face, my first thought of course was to plant a non existant "boyfriend" in the audience to shout, "You better do good or yer gonna get it!"But I decided against that and covered it up with make up instead, like any self respecting battered girlfriend should. Anyways the audition went well. I didn't piss myself or anything! I only had less than a week to prepare, but I was pretty pleased with how it went. Now it's outta my hands, but I'd just figure I'd fill you in on the details and thank any annoymous people who came out to see the show. Okay, that's it for now.