Proclamation of Doing Stuff

I have to get more done. More more more. Must, must must. In an effort to get more done today I am making a proclamation to do the following. If the things listed below do not get done today I will be forced to pubicly admit it on the world wide web and walk around for the rest of the evening my head bowed in shame at the notgettingitdoneness of it all.

Today I will:

Sign, copy and mail this letter thing to my lawyer. STATUS: Worth 1 point Scored: 0 Points. I . Didn't do it. Too hot to walk to the copy place thing.

Write 15 more thank you cards. STATUS: Worth 1 point. Scored: 1/2 point. I did 7 instead. I take thank you cards very seriously.

Somehow get to one bank and see if they will cash this one check and then somehow get to this second bank on the other side of town and do other banking related things there. STATUS: Worth 4 points. Scored:1/4 points. I did part 1 of this only to find they closed the account due to lack of activity. Then when I tried to reopen it they told me I couldn't use The Eye Care for Erica Emergency Eycare Fund as the name of my account anymore. But it was closed because of activity, and this was activity, but, but but. Ugh I left defeated after punch said bank manager in the face a few times. By then I could not bare to go to a whole 'nother bank.

Find and then pay the two medical bills that I lost while getting distracted by my dog being cute. STATUS: Worth: 1 point. Scored: 0 points. Nope. Dog is still cute. Plus it was too hot.

Purchase these items at a store: Drinking water, taquitos, and some sort of food that is at least mildly nourishing that I will then afterwards actually eat. STATUS: Worth 1 point. Scored: 1 point.Yep, I did this.

Write the new five minutes that I've been avoiding writing for the past few weeks. STATUS: Worth 5 points. Score: 3 points. Nope. I did however briefly think up a funny story to tell at a show for the topic, "Worlds Colliding". I didn't pick the topic.

Look over those five minutes as some sort of precursor to performing them somewhere tonight or Friday. Which I also have been avoiding because everybody knows blindish people aren't funny. STATUS: Worth: 4 points. Scored: 4 points. I thought about my story and then marched over to UCB where I had a triumphant return to the stage I think there were 10 people there. I didn't care, it was fun.

Water the lawn. With fervor. Stuff is dying out there. I could be responsible for the death of multiple living things. STATUS: Worth 1 point. Scored: 1 point.Yep, I did this one. Not really with fervor. More like, "Hey if I don't do this, that'll make me a jerk."

...So that's what it's come to people. If I have to threaten myself with some sort of internet flogging in order to stop from spending the entire day in some sort of a.d.d. anxiety attack then so be it. I am not going to judge myself for the fact that this list seems short and tedious and relatively inconsequential to anything at all. I've gotta start somewhere. Okay. Wish me luck.

SCORECARD:

Total possible points: 18

Life: 8 1/4 points

Me: 9 3/4 points

It's too late for me to know for sure if the math is right because I'm sick of scrolling up and down and I'm tired. I think I beat life by 1/2 a point which sounds like about what happens. No suprises here. Let's see what she can do tomorrow. For now it's back to you.

TV Commercials that aren't quite right

Okay there must be more of these, please share them if you have one! Here are two I've noticed. The Restasis one is currently running, the other one ran at least 3 years ago.


Restasis: Restasis is some eye drop for people with dry eyes. Here's the funny part. At the end of the commercial it says,

"blah, blah blah... Restasis may cause severe burning."
And right after that the lady who is taking the Restasis says,
"Restasis... More of my own tears."

Ha! This amuses me to no end. I sit around waiting for it to come on because it is so damn funny.

How long do you think it'll take them to figure that out before they pull it? I've seen it a handlful of times at least. I'm guessing at least another 3 weeks if ever.

My other favorite incident of poorly written commercial copy was for a brand name bread. I think it was called "Arrow Wheat" or "Orrow Wheat" or something, and I saw it a few years ago. I only saw it twice on daytime TV and no one else I know saw it before it got pulled...

The commercial starts off with a guy baking bread. It looks like he knows what he's doing because the oven is really big and he has a baker's hat on.

The guy pulls the bread out of the oven and the voiceover says, "...blah, blah, blah how great it is, thanks to our master bakers like Ed."

Hahaha, "Masterbakers" ha! Ha.

Thanks TV Commericals!

My Couch is a Monster. A story with pictures.

My Couch is a Monster.





====================================================================================



I Have to feed him or he will destroy me





====================================================================================



Mostly he eats change.




====================================================================================


And sometimes potato chips.





====================================================================================


But one day I heard a horrible sound coming from the couch.


GRRRRRRRRRYOWYOWYOWGRRR


What was that? What could it be?

====================================================================================



I thought, "Oh no, is my couch mad at me?"

Maybe he's hungry.

"Couch, do you want more potato chips?" I asked.

That's when I realized, my couch had a belly ache!



=====================================================================================



So I got him some medicine.





And then I waited for him to get better.


====================================================================================



"GRRRYOWYOWYOWGRRrr!" growled the couch.



=====================================================================================



"Jeez, that can't be good. " I thought.

I knew what I had to do...

I was gonna have to operate.





Luckily I had had some previous training.


====================================================================================


I toiled away for hours.





====================================================================================


Digging deep,






=====================================================================================


deep,





=====================================================================================


DEEP






Into the recesses of the couch...


=====================================================================================


Until I found something!




=====================================================================================

I found Punkin!





=====================================================================================



YAY!


=====================================================================================



After I rescued Punkin everyone was relieved;


Me,






Punkin,






And the couch.






====================================================================================



And we all lived happily ever after...









The End.

Introducing: "Punish Blog" For Parent's on the go!

Welcome to "Punish Blog" For Parents On The Go!

Dear Parent(s)

Why should you use "Punish Blog"? Well, it's a fast paced world. And you're up to your armpits in debt and duty. You want to be stern, upright beacons of light for the minor members of your family who look to you for guidance, but who has the time? Not you. We understand and we here at "Punish Blog" are happy to take over the laborious task of assigning and reassigning punishment to pesky children between the ages of 10 and 17 who

ACCIDENTLY BRING A GUN TO SCHOOL

USE THAT GUN TO SHOOT MORE THAN ONE CLASS MEMBER IN A 24HR PERIOD.

LEAD ONE OR MORE DRUG TRAFFICKING RINGS INSIDE OR NEARBY AN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL WHILE ARRIVING HOME LATE FOR CURFEW.

REGULARLY VIOLENTLY EXECUTE CHILDHOOD FRIEND(s) WHILE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME.

REGULARLY KILL MORE THAN ONE ADULT IN THE HOUSEHOLD BEFORE 11am

REGULARLY BEAT OR RAPE MORE THAN ONE NUN AT A TIME WITHIN A 2 MILE RADIOUS OF THE HOME.



If this sounds like you and you're tired of dealing with these pesky, juvenile offenses (and who isn't), we can help!

Punish Blog's introductory offer includes:

* A list of appropriate restrictions for each offense!

* A personal website listing your child's offenses- Public or private. Featuring our own WebKitty floral design background!

* Links to positive role models!

* Your own secure screen name and password upon registration!

* Half price admission to our online network and dating community. Featuring other parents just like you in your area!

* AND MORE!

*DISCLAIMER: "Punish Blog" is not responsible for death or destruction of life or property. "Punish Blog" reserves the right and sole discretion to publish your child's photo and offense, your name and phone number, the names of any and all pets you may or may not have had, the social security numbers of people you know or people who think they may know you or who have claimed to have known you in the past.

I need someone to give me treats.

My dog is a lucky girl. She sits there and follows me around throughout the day doing relatively nothing and I give her treats. Just for being her. Just for living.
She doesn't need to write a hit song, be a regular on a sitcom, or even smell very good. I need someone like that.

I want someone who spends their day at home at my house who is under the impression that I do nothing with my time but follow them around to give me treats. Someone to tell me, "Hey, you're the best.", "I don't care if the other dogs are wearing cute sweaters, you're my favorite."

How do I go about getting one of those?

Recovering from eye surgery

So since I have basically lost all of my readers from my other blog I might as well get the new people a little bit up to date on what it is that's going on with me, I guess.

April 12th I had a very serious eye surgery called a vitrectomy. It was due to a problem in my right eye and it was an emergency surgery to hopefully help me save my vision in that eye. I have type 1 diabetes. I have diabetic retinopothy in both eyes. Last year this condition was stable, but my eye was fragile. I was in a car accident as a passenger and the impact of the accident tore my retina. The retina became detached and I had a surgery to put it back and a few other smaller surgeies after that. My left eye is currently stable and the vision in that eye is doing well, so thank God for that. Anyhow I needed a vitrectomy in my right eye and that is the surgery I had April 12th.

The vitrectomy is a procedure that's used to clear a blood hemorrhage in the humorous fluid. This all crap I knew very little about until recently. Anyways they scrape out the hemorrhage and replace the fluid with saline or something. During the surgery the doctor also removed a surgical cataract that had formed a previous surgery I had the April before. I didn't know he was going to do that and that part of the surgery involved him removing the lens. And now it's gone. Just like that. Just like my old blog, without warning. If my eye recovers he may be able to add some weird sort of contact lens so I can see again. Right now I have no vision in that right eye.

I also have no health insurance and there was a big comedy benefit, two benefits actually, that helped me to raise the money to get that emergency surgery and help me through the recovery period. The first benefit was on April 12th at The Steve Allen theater in Los Angeles and it was amazing. Louis CK, Bob Odenkirk, Patton Oswalt, Dana Gould, Naked Trucker, Andy Kindler, The Tomorrow Show band, and Jimmy Pardo performed. Advanced clips of Wondershowzen were shown, and Morel Orel and Jim Gaffigan donated DVD's to auction off as well. It was pretty much a sold out show and one of the best line ups for a single comedy event that Los Angeles has seen in a long time. I got a lot of support from my fellow comics and the money raised at the event paid for the surgery.

There was a second benefit a few weeks later with another stellar line up at the Friars of Beverly Hills featuring Darren Carter, Marc Maron, Mark Cohen, Greg Behrendt, Jimmy Dore, Jimmy Shubert and Doug Benson.

Anyhow I couldn't have asked for more talented performers or a more awesome show of support from the community. It was honestly amazing, inspiring and awesomely uplifting.

And now I am here at home recovering. I am past the weeks and weeks of looking at the floor ( part of the recovery after the surgery requires you to not move your head up and to stare at the floor for weeks), and my eye is no longer patched up. I no longer have any pain from the surgery and I still have to sleep on a massage table at night so that I can face down while asleep, but I've managed to mostly keep in good spirits given the circumstances, but I am starting to slowly freak out.

There is no improvement yet in my vision at all and I think there should be some by now. I looked at my eye in the mirror today (something I avoid doing all together for the most part) and my eye is starting to look bad. It seems very slightly off to the right I noticed today and that sent me into a complete panic. I mostly haven't been doing much to help the recovery besides taking some vitamins and doing all the things the doctor told me to do. And now I am worried that I should have been doing something else. That I haven't done enough and that I've run out of time. I can't even begin to explain how incredibly frightened I am. I pulled out my old juiceman jr. today and vowed to drink bunches of carrot juice from now on. I'm going to start trying to do eye exercises and maybe meditate and try visualization and something and I'm going to pray, heck I might even go to one of those healing born again Christian I'm-gonna-heal-you-by-praying-over-your-pathetic-ass type masses. I think I need to take something for the anxiety I'm having because I can't function this way. Anyways I forgot what my point was, I guess I'm done for now.

Famous people are gonna be there, can you feel it?

Whew. I am just now recovering from a two hour guilty pleasure feeding frenzy, ie Real Hollywood Gossip . After reading I suddenly realized that a club that has been written about there many times, the club that is the biggest, The most Entourage-y, THE CRAZIEST private club in all of LA right now...The one where all the big-wig party hungry celebrities hang out, and rich not-so famous-types pay thousands of dollars to be members of, sent me a myspace request back in April. Ha! I didn't even know who they were then and I took one glance and deleted them without a thought.

But it is intersting. I would not normally be sought out by that type of club. Not because it's a club, just because it happens to be THE club. A club where Paris Hilton and A-list types hang out regularly. The kind of place that turns a lot of famous people who aren't "famous enough" away. Hilarious. They must have caught wind of the "Eye Care For Erica Benefit" and gave me some sort of semi-celebrity status on a weak night or something.

Had I known I would've gone to at least one of their crazy parties. Oh well, that's the way the gossip rag bounces I suppose. Fame is so fleeting.

-----------------

Oh speaking of crazy stripper types, I am still puzzling over the myspace request I got a minute ago from an 18 year old stripper in Florida. Granted if she's for real this is probably her 50th account by now, but how I would be even vaguely part of her target demographic is beyond me. She only has 14 friends and somehow I am #15?

How does that happen? I'm guessing she must be a litttle sister of someone who knew someone who knew me, or something and she got it in her head that she was gonna rub Hollywood elbows if she became friends with me. Couldn't be further from the truth, Firestar, or whatever your name was. I am notorious for treating celebrities just like every other stranger I meet in LA. I give them credit for knowing where the cheapest thai food is and then move on.

How to punch people in the face without really trying

Seeing as how the people who are reading this are probably not the people who read the former "Life As A Hollywood Nobody" blog, I guess I can be lazy and share with you an old blog post whhile I try and figure out how to direct the other readers here. (I am a king without a kingdom for the moment). Anyway, so here is something that you would have already seen had you read the other blog, since I'd already posted this sketch there. I guess you didn't need to know that, but I would've felt like I was cheating if I didn't tell you. Apparently I have a guilt complex I knew nothing about. Anyhow let's cut to the chase...

When someone asked me for a sample sketch that had Paris Hilton,Tiger Woods, George W. Bush and Oprah Winfrey in it I stifled the urge to punch them in the face. I didn't criticize them for being a moron who can't understand comedy sketches that are not chock full of celebrities. I resisted the urge to throw up my hands and say, "You sir are idiot who is clearly in search of uninspired comedy that fails to think outside the box. Please go away."... Instead I wrote this sketch. I think it rose to the challenge by providing an original take on a pretty medicore premise.

Not that it seemed to matter the bumbass never called me anyhow. Whatever at least I got a decent sketch out of it. Enjoy.



ALIEN STATES OF AMERICA a sketch by Erica Doering


INTERIOR CONFERENCE ROOM- DAY

A map of the world hangs on the wall. Five people whose faces
we don’t see yet are seated at the table looking at the map and
over various notes.

CLOSE UP on an INTERCOM

INTERCOM(Digitized Voice)
Your inter-planetary conference call from
Mother ship to Headquarters will begin in 3-2-1.

From the INTERCOM we hear the voice of the SUPREME LEADER.

SUPREME LEADER
Hello Commander, and congratulations. I hear
you’ve made great strides in readying the
Earthlings for planetary possession.

PARIS HILTON turns around.

PARIS HILTON
Thank you, sir.

SUPREME LEADER
How is Mind Control coming along?

PARIS HILTON
The team is doing quite well, sir.

PARIS gives a nod to TIGER WOODS

TIGER WOODS
The Earthlings are at their most vulnerable
now sir. In fact I have never seen a species
so open to suggestion.

I’ve been having a bit of fun with it…

SUPREME LEADER
I used to be quite the prankster myself, back
in the day. Please, tell me, what have you done?

TIGER WOODS
Well, um, sir, I’ve managed to suggest
that a black man on Earth could overcome
the prejudice against his race and
become an world renowned professional golfer!
(Starts laughing)

Room fills with laughter. SUPREME LEADER gets a hold of himself.

SUPREME LEADER
Mmmm they are ready INDEED.
Good work, Tiger.

TIGER WOODS
Thank you sir. I am happy to report that
I used the funds from the sponsorship
advertisements to get new spinners for the Mother ship.

CUT TO a wide shot of the exterior of the UFO suspended in
mid air with shiny new spinners on it’s landing wheels.

SUPREME LEADER
Well I don’t know if that’s the wisest…

PARIS
(Shoots TIGER a look)
Don’t worry. It’s under control, sir.
We’ve also gotten almost complete
control of their media. Howard’s even
prompted the Earthlings for probing.

SUPREME LEADER
Amazing…How?

HOWARD STERN puts down the CENTERFOLD he’s been staring at.

HOWARD STERN
Repetition, sir. Listen to this.

HOWARD flips on a recording of his morning radio show.

HOWARD’S RECORDED VOICE
Do you do anal? Lemme ask you somethin’, do
you do anal? Do you do anal? Oh, what I’d like
to do to you-

PARIS shuts off the recording.

PARIS HILTON
Now that the subject of anal probing has been
introduced into the mainstream consciousness
their bodies will be more receptive to the idea.
(giggles) That’s hot.

SUPREME LEADER
How’s the robot working out?

PARIS looks disgusted. She snaps her fingers at GEORGE W. BUSH

PARIS HILTON
George, get me a beverage.

GEORGE W. BUSH stands up.

GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes, Commander. I will get you a beverage.
Beverages are good. Good for America. Cuz
they’re liquid refreshments. And America needs
to be refreshed and liquefied. And good…

GEORGE W. BUSH rambles on and exits looking for a beverage.

PARIS rolls her eyes.

PARIS HILTON
The bot’s brain-chip malfunction has progressed.
He appears to be useless.

SUPREME LEADER
If you want you can pull the plug, Commander.

PARIS HILTON
That’s okay sir. It’s weakening the planet’s
race and resources, so we will keep him on until
we get HER in office.

SUPREME LEADER
Oh yes. How is my little angel?

OPRAH WINFREY puts down a giant doughnut.
A Spotlight shines on her as if from the heavens.

OPRAH WINFREY
Readying myself for the presidential
nomination, daddy.

SUPREME LEADER
Wonderful. Well, it looks like things are
right on schedule. Thank you for all of
your efforts, Commander.

PARIS HILTON
My pleasure, sir.


BLACK OUT

Me: Fun Facts Game

Which one of these fun facts is not true?

1) I once stole a "Hello Kitty" notebook from a local book store. I was 8. It became my first journal which was later burned by a family member because it was "evil".

2) My imaginary friend, Mr. Pure, circa 6-7 years old, was an adult with a bionic ear.

3) I was once hired as, but never worked as, a telephone psychic.

4) For two days in Los Angeles I had a job convincing people to let us spray-paint their addresses on the curb in front of their place of business for 20- 40 dollars a pop.

5) I once worked for a group of Scientologists that flew me across the country to sell vegetable choppers.

6) One of my first voice over jobs was for an x rated website where I read daily stock reports from a script full of sexual innuendoes.

7) I once wrote a 10 page letter as God to "Margaret" in response to Judy Blume's book, "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret?" which neither Margaret nor Judy have ever responded to.

8) In fourth grade I gave Robert Bihler 100 pennies to be my valentine.

Happy Birthday Satan

So yesterday was 6/6/06... As in 666.... As in the number of the beast.

THE DAY OF DESTRUCTION!
SATAN'S B-DAY!
Big, Bad, and S-C-A-R-Y! Right? Right?!... WRONG.

I was expecting a little excitement. Some flaming stuff or devil horned goth people howling at the moon or something. But the day pretty much came and went without a peep.I even took a trot over to the Church of Satan's 1st High Mass Ceremony at the Steve Allen Theater in search of some excitement. If the gates of hell were gonna open, I at least wanted to be there to witness it first hand. But it was closed to the public and supposedly "sold out" (how wild can you be with prepaid tickets?), and aside from the occassional "Hail Satan!" cries from inside it the smallish theater it seemed a little tame. My retired Armenian neighbors have thrown parties with more hell and damnation involved.

I'm guessing Satan went out for drinks last night and spent all day on the pooper with a bad hangover. Either that or he's a horrible procrastinator. I mean I'm sure he's known all about this big deal 6/6/06 for a pretty long time. What happened, buddy? Don't perform well under pressure? You should be ashamed of yourself. What kind of evil demon are you if you can't even throw a good party? I suggest you start planning for 6.6.60 immediately. Get yourself a subscription to "Martha Stewart Living" and bone up on how it's done.

Are blogs like boyfriends?

I'm trying this blog out to see if I like it. My old blog service shut down all of the sudden, just like that. You'd think after three years of blogging I would've gotten an email or something, but nope. Nothing. Gone. It made it all seem so cheap. I have no idea if any of my old readers will ever even find me. But whatever. It all feels sort of sad and rapey.

I wonder if I should be starting a new blog so soon? Are blogs like boyfriends? Am I supposed to wait awhile before I jump into a new one so I don't look like a skank? I mean I'll be honest ,while I'm writing in this new blog I'm still thinking about the old one. I can't help it. I miss my old blog. We had a lot of good times together. We laughed, we cried. I rememeber the way he used to tossle my hair when he woke me up in the morning...

But never mind that. Obviously our blogs meant more to me than they did to you, old blog. Three years and you can't even leave a note to say goodbye? I'm moving on. I mean screw you! You were nothing before you found me. I was the best thing that ever happened to you! This new blog appreciates me. We are going to be happy and make beautiful blogs together. You'll see. Oh yes, you, you are gonna be sorry!

Anyways we'll see how you are "blogger", or "blogspot" or whatever your name is. We'll see.
For now let's just move on, shall we? Yes, let's.

The old site is down

Apparently the other blog isn't working,. I have no idea why, but in the meantime I am looking for a new home. There's a strong possibility i may stay here. If I move from here to somewhere else I'll be sure to say so here.

In the meantime leave a comment to let me know you found me somehow or visit me at www.myspace.com/ericadoering