The War: Cancelled due to lack of viewership

I'm so tired of the war. It's predictable, repetative and the cast is dull and lackluster. The violence is glamorized and it's starting to feel like some sort of pointless Spike Lee movie without the feel good ending. The commercials suck and the soundtrack is downright terrible. I have decided to stop watching and you should too. I'm guessing if we tune out they'll cancel the war and we can hopefully get a decent mid season sitcom replacement or if we're lucky they'll show Seinfeld reruns. It's like anything; if we don't watch it, they'll stop playing it. Let's get the war cancelled! Who's with me?

The best stuff never written

Hey, screw you. I'm taking this shit to the BANK people. (Done in an awesome 80's comic voice. Act out of atm card swipe optional. )

Random sketch ideas written a few minutes ago..

MYSPACE UNITES: Per a request by "Tom" for members to flex their power the Myspace community decides collectively to live life viturally, exclusively.This results in what first seems like a utopian society of peace, quiet and happieness that quickly implodes when "Reba" becoming the world's favorite sitcom. Reba McEntire sweeps the Emmys and very quickly becomes president. Awfulness and hilarity ensue. (General cry for offline activism)

THE PLAGUE- REVISTED: The year is 1353. Robbie Jackson (brother of president to be Andrew Jackson and historically out of place) Enters drunk and enthusiastic at a sewage pipe party thrown by rats. Exit shot of him being carried out on the backs of rats singing, "For he's a jolly good good fellow." (Continuous) Rats are throwing up and dying outside the party. (Cut to Robbie looking sickly at a different party.) Robbie kisses two girls on the cheek. Robbie drinks from several strangers' abandoned drinks. Close ups of double dipping. Robbie high fives several patrons. (Close up ) One furry hand punches the high fiver n the face. Cut to : Smokey the Bear: Only YOU can prevent (obvious dubbing) "The Plague". *

*based loosely on a drunk conversation with Bennie about both of us being sick this week and the fact that I once played Robbie Jackson in a fourth grade play where he died of the plague.

God's first blog. By God.

Day 1

Bored as all get out, so I decided to make something. It's important to keep busy. Anyways, created Earth (got the name from the band "Earth Wind and Fire." I know they don't exist yet, but I can't help it, I love those guys!) and a place called Heaven (named after my favorite future StarTrek Voyager Episode).

Gonna use Heaven for entertaining or maybe a master bedroom. Not sure what to do with Earth. Maybe a guest house?

Also called the power company.(Was on hold forever of course) Couldn't
believe the electric wasn't on yet. I scheduled a hook up weeks ago! Had to speak to the supervisor to get the freakin lights turned on. It was pretty much bullshit. Took a nap afterwards.

Day 2
Started a garden for the guest house.
Lots of green in the color scheme. Doesn't look half bad.

Day 3

Put some lights up in the guest house. Made a nightlight outta cheese, it's pretty trippy.

Day 4
Started on the aquarium. Cost a fortune.

Day 5
Just for fun made a cow today. Spent a few hours cowtipping. Hilarious. Created two people to take care of the grounds after that. Almost screwed it up because I didn't have enough ingrediants. Had to take apart the first guy to help build the second one. Didn't have enough to make him a penis though. Maybe he won't notice.

Oh and then those jerks ate the cow. Whatever. I just made another one. Anyways the place is almost done I guess. Time to hit the sack.

Day 6
Not sure those two people can handle the whole place by themselves, they're a little on the dumb side. Anyways pretty sure they're catholic, so I should have an entire staff in no time if you know what I mean. Partied pretty hard afterwards.

Day 7
Finished Earth today and I am exhausted. Also still hung over from last night. Slept most of the day. Pretty sure Earth was a bad idea. Whatever

The words that drove Zidane to kiss the final moments of his career goodbye

The fact that I watched today's Worldcup was really just a stroke of luck. My roommate turned it on and I was immediately into it.

For the 3 of you who don't already know it was the final game. France and Italy were tied 1-1. I have no alliances, so it seemed clear to me that France was playing the superior game. Anyways, they're all playing pretty hard. They go into overtime. First overtime: 15 minutes. Nobody scores. They go into a second overtime: Another 15 minutes. Again, no score. Now it's time for the kicks. Five penalty kicks are allotted for each team. Their 5 best kickers go to bat against one goalie. France misses and Itally wins with a 3-2 penalty kick in overtime. Now I could stop here. You would walk away thinking that was a pretty amazing game. But that wasn't the only amazing part. The astonishing part happened a few minutes into the first overtime.

Zadine (France's capt.) and Materazzi (Italy) have been at each other's throats all day, that's no secret. Now we see them quietly press each other's buttons for a moment. They're clearly taunting each other. The ball is nowhere near them, but they're on top of each other. Materazzi appears to tweak Zadine's tit slightly. They seperate. Materazzi says something and suddenly history is made when a split second later Zadine turns around, ball nowhere in site, and headbutts Materazzi with more gusto than a headbutt has ever been excecuted by anyone. Materazzi is hit so hard he literally takes flight and falls on his ass. Check it out, It's AMAZING!

Now even though it is very clearly on camera that the head butt is gross misconduct, at least one ref has to have seen it live to give the penalty. One does. No idea if he's fibbing or not, but he calls it. Zidane, who has already announced his retirement beforehand, Zidane France's talented team captain, is red carded out of the game. As in off the field, no sitting in the bleachers, see ya later, goodbye to you. The final moment of his career. He's not even allowed back, and rightly so, and cannot even participate in the ceremony afterwards. Poor France walks away, cup lost, without even a leader's hand to hold. Amazing. Wicked. It leaves billions wondering, "What the hell did Materazzi say that was so terrible?"

So what was the phrase that drove Zidane over the edge? I have the answer on good authority. Here's how it went down:

Step 1) The titty twister

Step 2) Followed by a "Fuck off" from Zadine.

and then the straw that broke the camel's back...

Step 3) Materazzi saying, "You are ZeDane Cook of soccer."

So really, how can you blame the guy?

In Pursuit of Hate

Later tonight I'm doing a spot in a storytelling show at the UCB. The topic is "Hate" and I have no idea what the hell I will talk about, but chances are these things will not make the cut.

Story 1:

Magee Larkin hated me. I can't be sure why. As far as I know I had never had a conversation with her, or even been alone in the same room with this very short, very angry, irish bad ass. Despite that, from 9th to 12th grade, at least once a week a message would travel around the halls of Holyoke Highschool that Magee Larkin would be outside waiting for me, and that a severe ass kicking would take place....

Story2:

Everybody at Highland Elementary school hated Jung Sook Jung. I'm not sure what day it was that the winds changed on that one, might've been the time her mom brought in plates full of chocolate chip cookies, or when she stopped wearing that ugly orange sweater, but somewhere along the line no one hated Jung Sook anymore. They hated someone else.

Who I wondered? I had to find out and quick. One wrong move and I could be unknowingly sharing my leggos with the new hated kid and that would leave me hated by default. And no one wanted that. I watched my friends and classmates faces for weeks for some sort of hint and got nothing. But today was the day I'd find out, I knew that for certain. Erin Kennedy passed a note that was read by each and every 10 year old in Ms. Patockiny's reading class that made that very clear. "Secret meeting at the slide after school. Bring rocks!"....

Story 3:

Robert Burt was a 20 something year old that I'd met outside of a theater in Hollywood. A well dressed, fast talking actor down on his luck. He was new in town, fresh off the bus and he needed a place to stay. "Well don't look at me, buddy. I'm not an idiot." I thought smartly to myself. Two weeks later Robert was camped lout on my couch...

Random Hate List:

I hate that I get overwhelmed by the stupidest things. I hate that I never get anything done. I hate that I hate eating alone. I hate that everyone seems to know more about how to live life than me. I hate that I wish everyone liked me. I hate my hair. I hate the way my apartment is cluttered. I hate that I have no self discipline. I hate the taste of milk. I hate that I feel alone sometimes. I hate that I turn simple things into big projects. I hate that Eddie Pepitone's I Hate Blank show got cancelled. I hate that I don't have a boyfriend. I hate that I don't know where to get a good haircut. I hate that I panic over silly things. I hate that I can't seem to master the art of sleeping. I hate that I don't have a literary agent. I hate that I don't have a commercial agent. I hate that I don't have a theatrical agent. I hate that I don't have cable. I hate that I have tiny miniature crushes on people that will never ever find out. I hate that the people I secretly have little crushes on don't end up just asking me out. I hate that so many talentless hacks have so much self confidence. I hate whoever stole my bike last summer. I hate that there are no bike shops in my neighborhood where I could buy a bike to replace that bike. I hate that I can't see out of my right eye. I hate having diabetes. I hate being afraid of getting sick. I hate that I'm afraid of dying in a car accident. I hate that I can remember every terrible thing anyone has ever said to me. I hate that at any moment someone could say something mean to me and I will repeat it inside my head for months if not years. I hate that I'm too nice. I hate that I have a hard time approaching people I admire. I hate that snow is cold. I hate that I'm not taller. I hate that I can never remember the names of bands I like. I hate that I don't have a big cool cd collection. I hate that dirt accumulates under my fingernails for no real reason. I hate that I don't have any nice furniture. I hate that my cat sheds too much. I hate that I don't know how to tweeze my own eyebrows. I hate that my body is not completely hairless. I hate that I have been on a life long search for the perfect color lipgloss and come up empty handed. I hate that my roommate broke the round dish thing in my microwave and still hasnt replaced it. I hate that I will never have the nerve to ask him to. I hate that I am scared to get a rental car when I go on vacation for no reason at all. I hate that for some reason my old blog disappeared. I hate that I don't know how to get the universal remote control for my TV to work. I hate people who refuse to use their blinker. I hate that I haven't finished editing my short film. I hate that I go out every weekend with the vague idea that maybe I'll meet an interesting guy. I hate the word man. I hate that my blankets won't fit in the washer. I hate that I hate figuring out what I hate. I hate dust. I hate that people aren't more humble. I hate that I have never sang in a band. I hate that I'm too lazy to make a salad. I hate saying goodbye and I hate that I hate saying goodbye because that is cliche.