I need someone to give me treats.

My dog is a lucky girl. She sits there and follows me around throughout the day doing relatively nothing and I give her treats. Just for being her. Just for living.
She doesn't need to write a hit song, be a regular on a sitcom, or even smell very good. I need someone like that.

I want someone who spends their day at home at my house who is under the impression that I do nothing with my time but follow them around to give me treats. Someone to tell me, "Hey, you're the best.", "I don't care if the other dogs are wearing cute sweaters, you're my favorite."

How do I go about getting one of those?